Friday Sept. 30th, 2011

Hello my friends,

Today has been another rough day. Deployment is approaching quickly, which makes each day miserable. As time gets closer for Jon to leave, I am finding it harder every day to keep my mind here on what needs to be done. How do you function daily when your heart isn't in your body anymore? Jon took my heart on that plane with him when he left.

I'm finding myself more stressed out as the days go on. No matter what I try to do, my stress level just keeps increasing. Each time I think about that fact that I am too stressed, the level increases that much more. I know I can't be putting myself in all this stress, it's not good for me; the girls or these babies. That thought just adds even more stress, because now I worry about the health of the babies if I am this stressed out.

I try to find ways to keep my mind off of things that matter, trust me when I say that all your mind focuses on is the stressing of the situation.

I went today to pick up the last batch of photos Jon, I and the girls had taken before he left. I was okay for the most part. Mom was with me, when she talked about the fact that Jon was deploying soon she broke down. Which in turn made me break down too. After getting home, I spoke with Jon for a few minutes. That conversation left me bawling like a baby. I sent an email to him that, I probably should have thought twice before sending.

I know he has a ton of things on his mind as he prepares for his deployment. He doesn't need a bumbling mess of a wife at home making it harder on him. For the most part I have tried to keep my composure when I talk with him. It hits me the hardest at night after the house has gotten quiet. That used to be our time to lay in bed talking to one another. Now it's my time to sit in bed and have a nice long cry. It seems like I  have been doing more of that than any one person should. I never thought I drank enough liquids in a day to be able to produce that many tears. The tears just keep on flowing anyway.

How I am ever going to be able to face this coming year without Jon by my side is beyond me. Somehow, I know that I will have to find the strength to pull through this without being such a mess every day. Right now, I just don't see how to do that.

Every one keeps telling me it will be okay, that I'll get through it and that Jon will be home sooner than I think. Hello? Are you kidding me? I want to ask those people if they have ever had to live with their husband going off to fight  a war. Sooner than I think? Yeah so how does 1 year or 12 months come out any shorter? That's right no matter how you look at it, it's still a freaking year.

On a better note; we have names picked out!

Boys:

Jonathan Jr.
Justin Lawrence

GIRLS:

Caylee Grace
Haylee Dawn


I am so happy we finally agreed to names!

Jon,

I love you sweetheart.

Betty