We still have a long way to go before we are supposed to see the end of this deployment. I am already so very tired of it. I'm so tired of Jon not being able to be home where he belongs. I'm sick to death of all the worry every day on if he is okay. I knew this would be difficult but I never imagined it would be this much hell.
I'm ready for Jon to be home, now. I hate not having him here where I know he is safe. Deployments suck.
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday Dec. 15th, 2011
Well tonight is one of those nights where sleep isn't an option for awhile. We all have those nights where we can't sleep for one reason or another. I have been having more than my share of them lately. One would think that having children would be a part of what keeps me from sleep. However they have never kept me up.
I can't even blame my insomnia on Jon being overseas. Of course I think about him all the time, even when I am sleeping my thoughts turn to him. However my nerves about him being there aren't the cause of sleepless nights right now anyway.
So what keeps me from sleeping? It starts off with a muscle twitch here or there. Then it progresses to not being able to feel my limbs. Usually my legs, but on occasion my arms. After the numbing feeling begins, it's the not being able to MAKE my limbs move. No matter how hard I focus on trying to get them to move, they just refuse.
I can't even blame my insomnia on Jon being overseas. Of course I think about him all the time, even when I am sleeping my thoughts turn to him. However my nerves about him being there aren't the cause of sleepless nights right now anyway.
So what keeps me from sleeping? It starts off with a muscle twitch here or there. Then it progresses to not being able to feel my limbs. Usually my legs, but on occasion my arms. After the numbing feeling begins, it's the not being able to MAKE my limbs move. No matter how hard I focus on trying to get them to move, they just refuse.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday Nov. 23rd, 2011
I didn't write yesterday at all. I have not been feeling very good the last two days. Well really it's been more like a few weeks but; the last two days has been impossible. Between dealing with emotional issues that you all are aware of already and; having a medical problem that is becoming more of a problem I have been downright miserable.
Let me explain just a little here. I have MS- Multiple Sclerosis. For those that don't know what MS is let me help explain. MS is an autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. It affects women more so than men. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 20 and 40.
Here is a link where you can learn more about MS-
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001747/
Just a few of the symptoms that I have been suffering from lately include:
Loss of Balance
Muscles Spasms
Pain and Numbness in arms and legs
Problems getting my Legs to move in the mornings
Feeling like my hands and feet are on fire
Memory Loss
Dizziness
So Sleepy it isn't funny.
Let me explain just a little here. I have MS- Multiple Sclerosis. For those that don't know what MS is let me help explain. MS is an autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. It affects women more so than men. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 20 and 40.
Here is a link where you can learn more about MS-
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001747/
Just a few of the symptoms that I have been suffering from lately include:
Loss of Balance
Muscles Spasms
Pain and Numbness in arms and legs
Problems getting my Legs to move in the mornings
Feeling like my hands and feet are on fire
Memory Loss
Dizziness
So Sleepy it isn't funny.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday Nov. 21st, 2011
The days just seem to keep getting harder instead of easier. I don't know how much more I can take right now. My nerves are shot. My heart can't take much more heartache. Each day that moves me forward also seems to knock me back a few steps. When does it start to get easier?
This morning started out about normal. I knew that I had a doctors appointment today so I got ready and left. The doctor that I went to see was my old doctor. I was supposed to see a new lady but she was called out of the office so my old doctor took my appointment time for her.
The lab tests came back on twin B today. Unfortunately there wasn't much that the test proved. They proved that there was no abnormal defects in little Haylee. The tests couldn't determine what caused her heart to stop or if it had stopped prior to the miscarriage. There was no reason physically for the miscarriage to have happened.
This morning started out about normal. I knew that I had a doctors appointment today so I got ready and left. The doctor that I went to see was my old doctor. I was supposed to see a new lady but she was called out of the office so my old doctor took my appointment time for her.
The lab tests came back on twin B today. Unfortunately there wasn't much that the test proved. They proved that there was no abnormal defects in little Haylee. The tests couldn't determine what caused her heart to stop or if it had stopped prior to the miscarriage. There was no reason physically for the miscarriage to have happened.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday Nov. 16th, 2011
There are some people in this world that were given a gift. They are able to see things that most people don't have the ability to see. Some would call that a gift, I used to think it was too. There are times when you see awful things that you don't want to be able to see.
I've known two people in my life that have had this ability. One is a very dear friend of mine. She is awesome with her ability, she even works with her local law enforcement to help solve cases of missing people. The other person I know pretty well also. She has never worked with law enforcement and she doesn't let many people know of her ability.
For the most part she tries her best to not use that ability at all. For her, the fact that she tries to ignore the gift seems to work for the most part. Although there are times when she will see something that hits too close to home for her.
I've always wondered how these gifted people deal with seeing something that affects their lives. If for example they see something that has to do with a loved one, how do they cope? Do they tell the person that it is going to affect? What do you tell them? What if they have seen their loved one die? Do you question how true your interpretation is? Do you hold back the information in hopes that you are seeing things wrong?
I know not everyone believes in things such as this. I however do, I've seen for myself how accurate some of the things these people see really is. I think in part though it depends on how well they are able to figure out what they are being shown. I would be scared to death to share something if I wasn't sure without a doubt that I was able to understand what I saw.
When these people do share with others what they have seen, do they tell them they might very well be wrong in how they saw it? Do they go into detail about what they saw exactly? Is there really anything that could be done to prevent whatever they saw from happening?
From what I have learned about this type of thing over the years, not everyone has learned to decipher the images they see correctly. There are those that have learned very well how to figure out the images and their meanings.
So if you as a person that can see things, and you see something about your loved one do you tell that loved one? If you do tell them, how much do you tell them? How do you cope if you have been shown how that person is going to die and when it will happen?
I know for me, if that were the case I would shut down. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, all I would do is sit around bawling my eyes out.
Another thing is, how do you explain why you can see some things and yet not see other things? How can you see things that affect one loved one yet not another loved one?
I know I will be getting a lot of email telling me I'm crazy for believing in any of this type of thing. That's okay I have been called crazy for years. At this point in my life I know I am crazy, I've had a lot of things that have happened to me over the years that have made me that way.
My recent troubles with my life and things that have gone on have led me to question things such as this post. How can someone see the death of one loved one yet not the death of another loved one? If you can see it, can it be prevented if it hasn't happened yet?
I've known two people in my life that have had this ability. One is a very dear friend of mine. She is awesome with her ability, she even works with her local law enforcement to help solve cases of missing people. The other person I know pretty well also. She has never worked with law enforcement and she doesn't let many people know of her ability.
For the most part she tries her best to not use that ability at all. For her, the fact that she tries to ignore the gift seems to work for the most part. Although there are times when she will see something that hits too close to home for her.
I've always wondered how these gifted people deal with seeing something that affects their lives. If for example they see something that has to do with a loved one, how do they cope? Do they tell the person that it is going to affect? What do you tell them? What if they have seen their loved one die? Do you question how true your interpretation is? Do you hold back the information in hopes that you are seeing things wrong?
I know not everyone believes in things such as this. I however do, I've seen for myself how accurate some of the things these people see really is. I think in part though it depends on how well they are able to figure out what they are being shown. I would be scared to death to share something if I wasn't sure without a doubt that I was able to understand what I saw.
When these people do share with others what they have seen, do they tell them they might very well be wrong in how they saw it? Do they go into detail about what they saw exactly? Is there really anything that could be done to prevent whatever they saw from happening?
From what I have learned about this type of thing over the years, not everyone has learned to decipher the images they see correctly. There are those that have learned very well how to figure out the images and their meanings.
So if you as a person that can see things, and you see something about your loved one do you tell that loved one? If you do tell them, how much do you tell them? How do you cope if you have been shown how that person is going to die and when it will happen?
I know for me, if that were the case I would shut down. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, all I would do is sit around bawling my eyes out.
Another thing is, how do you explain why you can see some things and yet not see other things? How can you see things that affect one loved one yet not another loved one?
I know I will be getting a lot of email telling me I'm crazy for believing in any of this type of thing. That's okay I have been called crazy for years. At this point in my life I know I am crazy, I've had a lot of things that have happened to me over the years that have made me that way.
My recent troubles with my life and things that have gone on have led me to question things such as this post. How can someone see the death of one loved one yet not the death of another loved one? If you can see it, can it be prevented if it hasn't happened yet?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday Nov 15th, 2011
I took the day off from blogging yesterday. I needed the day to myself. I spent the day unpacking from my recent trip, getting laundry done, and just having time to sit back and think. It was a long day. It was one of those days that had Jon been here with me I would have felt so much better.I did get a lot done though, and spent time to myself which I badly needed.
Today was not such a great day though. I had a lot of things I had to get accomplished. I managed to get everything that was of importance finished. My last stop for today took a lot out of me. There was a lady in the place that was holding a small baby. Someone asked her how old the baby was, one week old born last Monday. I was standing there listening in a strange way. I started bawling when she said that her daughter Annisa was born on Monday.I grabbed what I was there to get and ran out of the building.
I don't know how I am supposed to live with the fact that my babies won't ever get the chance to be born. I won't ever get the chance to proudly tell people that the twins are a week old, or how much they weighed. I won't ever get the chance to see Jon talking to them or playing with them.
I feel like an idiot for running from the store the way I did, at the time I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It's been just over a week ago now that I lost our babies, it's not getting any easier. I have moments where it doesn't cross my mind, then all of a sudden something makes it hit me. I'm tired of the pain every day, every minute of the day.
I'm tired of having to be so strong when all I want to do is have my breakdown. All I want to do is have my babies back where they are supposed to be right now, growing inside of me until their birth date. My sweet Jon was supposed to try to get his leave for the births. We had so many things we were going to do during his leave. Now it just seems like there isn't really a reason to take the leave. Of course there's the fact that I will get to see him for a short time, which is awesome in itself. Only then, I will once again have to let go for him to finish his time away.
Why in the good lord's name can't he just be allowed to come home? Our children died, Jon is needed at home. I need him here with me, I don't know how to get through any of this without him. I know he is doing what he has to do. I know he has no choice but to be there. I know if he could be he would be here at home right now. That makes it even harder to deal with this, because I know he is worried about me. I don't want to make his job harder on him. This situation is hard enough on both of us without him feeling bad about not being able to be here.
I don't blame him for not being here, I blame bad timing and my body for letting me down. I blame myself for not being woman enough to carry our babies to term. Jon keeps apologizing to me, it's so not his fault. It's mine. It was my body that rejected the twins, it was me that couldn't do what as a woman I was made to do.
Enough of this for now, I need a good long cry right now.
Betty
Today was not such a great day though. I had a lot of things I had to get accomplished. I managed to get everything that was of importance finished. My last stop for today took a lot out of me. There was a lady in the place that was holding a small baby. Someone asked her how old the baby was, one week old born last Monday. I was standing there listening in a strange way. I started bawling when she said that her daughter Annisa was born on Monday.I grabbed what I was there to get and ran out of the building.
I don't know how I am supposed to live with the fact that my babies won't ever get the chance to be born. I won't ever get the chance to proudly tell people that the twins are a week old, or how much they weighed. I won't ever get the chance to see Jon talking to them or playing with them.
I feel like an idiot for running from the store the way I did, at the time I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It's been just over a week ago now that I lost our babies, it's not getting any easier. I have moments where it doesn't cross my mind, then all of a sudden something makes it hit me. I'm tired of the pain every day, every minute of the day.
I'm tired of having to be so strong when all I want to do is have my breakdown. All I want to do is have my babies back where they are supposed to be right now, growing inside of me until their birth date. My sweet Jon was supposed to try to get his leave for the births. We had so many things we were going to do during his leave. Now it just seems like there isn't really a reason to take the leave. Of course there's the fact that I will get to see him for a short time, which is awesome in itself. Only then, I will once again have to let go for him to finish his time away.
Why in the good lord's name can't he just be allowed to come home? Our children died, Jon is needed at home. I need him here with me, I don't know how to get through any of this without him. I know he is doing what he has to do. I know he has no choice but to be there. I know if he could be he would be here at home right now. That makes it even harder to deal with this, because I know he is worried about me. I don't want to make his job harder on him. This situation is hard enough on both of us without him feeling bad about not being able to be here.
I don't blame him for not being here, I blame bad timing and my body for letting me down. I blame myself for not being woman enough to carry our babies to term. Jon keeps apologizing to me, it's so not his fault. It's mine. It was my body that rejected the twins, it was me that couldn't do what as a woman I was made to do.
Enough of this for now, I need a good long cry right now.
Betty
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Saturday Nov. 12th, 2011
I feel like I am losing my mind. All I do is sit here on my bed crying all day and night. I sleep only when I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. All I think about is Jon being gone and my babies deaths. I wake up from sleep seeing the pictures of those little babies in my head. I don't want to see those anymore. No matter what I try to think about, the only thing that stays in my head is my first baby and how little he/she was. And the fact that my second little baby had no heartbeat left and was nothing bigger than a large blood clot.
Those pictures just won't go away. I keep replaying all day long how I lost them and how the nurse picked up the first baby and ran inside. I can't stop crying. I don't want to talk to any one, I just want to be by myself. Every time some one talks to me I just feel like punching them out. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay. No I'm not okay, I'm heartbroken and I feel like I died inside.
I'm sick to death of everyone looking at me like I've got the plague. I know they are upset about me losing the babies. They were MY babies, no one gets the fact that I just had two babies die. Not only did they die but, they died a horrible death. They didn't deserve to be ripped out of me that way. They deserved to live, they had the right to be born. They had the right to grow up to be something special. they deserved to be loved and cared for.
I know people think they are helping me to not think about the twins. In reality though, they are making it that much harder. Those pictures in my head won't leave, they are there eating away at what is left of my sanity. The bad part is I can feel myself slipping further into this black hole that won't let me out. Truth be told, the black space lets me have one thing, silence.
I sit here in my room, thinking about the babies almost every second in one way or another. Some thoughts are about the babies and Jon. Like why Jon has to pay for me being a failure. Or how terrific Jon would have been as a daddy.
I need to know if we were having boys or girls. I need to be able to try to put names to those tiny little babies. Was the first one I lost outside the hospital Jonathan Jr or was it Haylee Dawn? Which one of my sweet babies did I lose right there as I was walking up to the hospital?
Over and over again all I see is my poor helpless babies being ripped out of me like they were some foreign thing invading a foreign country. Why did that have to happen to them? Why did my body reject those innocent babies? Why will Jon and I never be able to hold our precious bundles like we should have been able to?
Why can't I do just this one thing right? Why does it feel like I am slipping further into that black hole that I can't get out of? Why do I even care if I can get out of it? Why can't I have my babies back? Why do I have to go through all of this alone? Why can't Jon be here with me right now? Why am I being so selfish? Jon has a job to do I know that, but damn it I NEED him here. I do need him, Jon keeps me sane. Right now he is the only one that can even come close to understanding what I am going through. He lost those babies just as I did.
It's not fair that I have to face this all alone here. It's not fair that Jon is facing all of this alone overseas. None of this is fair. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to last week. A time when my babies were safely tucked in my tummy where they belong. A time when I was laying in Jon's arms where I belong. A time when everything was right in my world.
Why do I have to go through this again? Alone. Yes I have my girls around and Jon's parents too. As much as they all want to help me through this, they can't even begin to understand. I love them I really do but, I need Jon.
Those pictures just won't go away. I keep replaying all day long how I lost them and how the nurse picked up the first baby and ran inside. I can't stop crying. I don't want to talk to any one, I just want to be by myself. Every time some one talks to me I just feel like punching them out. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay. No I'm not okay, I'm heartbroken and I feel like I died inside.
I'm sick to death of everyone looking at me like I've got the plague. I know they are upset about me losing the babies. They were MY babies, no one gets the fact that I just had two babies die. Not only did they die but, they died a horrible death. They didn't deserve to be ripped out of me that way. They deserved to live, they had the right to be born. They had the right to grow up to be something special. they deserved to be loved and cared for.
I know people think they are helping me to not think about the twins. In reality though, they are making it that much harder. Those pictures in my head won't leave, they are there eating away at what is left of my sanity. The bad part is I can feel myself slipping further into this black hole that won't let me out. Truth be told, the black space lets me have one thing, silence.
I sit here in my room, thinking about the babies almost every second in one way or another. Some thoughts are about the babies and Jon. Like why Jon has to pay for me being a failure. Or how terrific Jon would have been as a daddy.
I need to know if we were having boys or girls. I need to be able to try to put names to those tiny little babies. Was the first one I lost outside the hospital Jonathan Jr or was it Haylee Dawn? Which one of my sweet babies did I lose right there as I was walking up to the hospital?
Over and over again all I see is my poor helpless babies being ripped out of me like they were some foreign thing invading a foreign country. Why did that have to happen to them? Why did my body reject those innocent babies? Why will Jon and I never be able to hold our precious bundles like we should have been able to?
Why can't I do just this one thing right? Why does it feel like I am slipping further into that black hole that I can't get out of? Why do I even care if I can get out of it? Why can't I have my babies back? Why do I have to go through all of this alone? Why can't Jon be here with me right now? Why am I being so selfish? Jon has a job to do I know that, but damn it I NEED him here. I do need him, Jon keeps me sane. Right now he is the only one that can even come close to understanding what I am going through. He lost those babies just as I did.
It's not fair that I have to face this all alone here. It's not fair that Jon is facing all of this alone overseas. None of this is fair. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to last week. A time when my babies were safely tucked in my tummy where they belong. A time when I was laying in Jon's arms where I belong. A time when everything was right in my world.
Why do I have to go through this again? Alone. Yes I have my girls around and Jon's parents too. As much as they all want to help me through this, they can't even begin to understand. I love them I really do but, I need Jon.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday Nov. 11th, 2011
Today is the first time since this deployment began that I haven't heard from my husband. It sucks. I knew that there were going to be many days like this though. I know that this is just the first of many days I won't hear from him. I refuse to let my overactive imagination run away from me though. He is only busy with work. Silence doesn't mean anything is wrong, it only means he is really busy.
I'm not looking forward to a long deployment. I know that it is going to be very rough. Right now is even more so for me though. I'm trying my best to deal with Jon being gone from home, dealing with the girls, and dealing with the loss of our twins. It all seems to much right now. I would give anything to have my rock here beside me; holding me in his arms like he always does. Jon is not just my rock, he is the one person in my life I have always known that I can count on to be there for me no matter what I am going through.
This deployment has gotten in the way of that. Jon isn't able to be here right now although in his heart he is. I can feel his love every time that he calls or we Skype. I know without a doubt that his heart and mind are here with me as I cope with the loss of our babies. I don't know how so many families deal with the separation that deployment brings. Jon always tells me that I am strong, if only he knew how wrong that statement is. I am not strong, I can put on a good front most days. In reality though I am a crumbling mess. My heart is saddened. I feel alone and empty right now. Not only Jon being overseas, but the loss of our angels it all comes together to make me feel so lost.
I've been receiving e-mails from readers telling me to get over it. That I am just milking the situation for pity. Hello? Are you kidding me? Have any of you that have emailed ever lost a child due to a miscarriage? Let me tell you something, it is no different than your child dying. Jon and I lost our twins, they died. You tell me what is a good time frame for grieving the death of a child? Who are you to tell me to get over it?
If you don't like what I post about, get OFF my blog. I post about my feelings, if you can't understand my feelings you shouldn't be here. I will not apologize for mourning the death of two little angels. I lost our twins less than a week ago. I loved those babies with everything I have, they were a blessing that Jon and I were both so happy to have been given. They were loved and wanted. They are missed by many.
If I continue to receive those types of emails I will be taking a leave from blogging until I feel I can blog without expressing my feelings over the loss of our babies. Right now this blog is my way of trying to deal with the loss in a way that isn't harmful to my spirit. I need to be able to vent about having two little lives taken from me.
Jon my love,
I know that this has been hard on you with you being where you are. I wish that I could take that pain away for you. I wish that I could be there to help you through this horrible time. I love you with all my heart love. Stay safe and know that my heart is there with you.
Betty
I'm not looking forward to a long deployment. I know that it is going to be very rough. Right now is even more so for me though. I'm trying my best to deal with Jon being gone from home, dealing with the girls, and dealing with the loss of our twins. It all seems to much right now. I would give anything to have my rock here beside me; holding me in his arms like he always does. Jon is not just my rock, he is the one person in my life I have always known that I can count on to be there for me no matter what I am going through.
This deployment has gotten in the way of that. Jon isn't able to be here right now although in his heart he is. I can feel his love every time that he calls or we Skype. I know without a doubt that his heart and mind are here with me as I cope with the loss of our babies. I don't know how so many families deal with the separation that deployment brings. Jon always tells me that I am strong, if only he knew how wrong that statement is. I am not strong, I can put on a good front most days. In reality though I am a crumbling mess. My heart is saddened. I feel alone and empty right now. Not only Jon being overseas, but the loss of our angels it all comes together to make me feel so lost.
I've been receiving e-mails from readers telling me to get over it. That I am just milking the situation for pity. Hello? Are you kidding me? Have any of you that have emailed ever lost a child due to a miscarriage? Let me tell you something, it is no different than your child dying. Jon and I lost our twins, they died. You tell me what is a good time frame for grieving the death of a child? Who are you to tell me to get over it?
If you don't like what I post about, get OFF my blog. I post about my feelings, if you can't understand my feelings you shouldn't be here. I will not apologize for mourning the death of two little angels. I lost our twins less than a week ago. I loved those babies with everything I have, they were a blessing that Jon and I were both so happy to have been given. They were loved and wanted. They are missed by many.
If I continue to receive those types of emails I will be taking a leave from blogging until I feel I can blog without expressing my feelings over the loss of our babies. Right now this blog is my way of trying to deal with the loss in a way that isn't harmful to my spirit. I need to be able to vent about having two little lives taken from me.
Jon my love,
I know that this has been hard on you with you being where you are. I wish that I could take that pain away for you. I wish that I could be there to help you through this horrible time. I love you with all my heart love. Stay safe and know that my heart is there with you.
Betty
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thurs. Nov. 10th, 2011
You know the old saying "Momma said there be days like this"? I think Mom may have sugar coated it compared to this day. She never told me that I would feel like my heart was ripped from my body. She never said that while being extremely upset about the death of two babies, that I would also be livid about not having their dad home with me.
I know Jon would be here if he could be, hell we tried everything we could to get him home now. My doctor (if I can call him that) ruined Jon coming home to be with me through this. The doctor decided that my case was not an emergency case and refused to tell the Red Cross that Jon was needed at home. Since he refused to say those things, Jon won't be given an emergency leave.
We need him here. I need him here, Jon is the one thing that keeps me sane. I don't have a clue how I am going to live with the loss of our babies without Jon here with me. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now. I've always been good at messing up my life. Growing up mom always told me I was the biggest screw up. I have lived my life trying to prove that theory wrong. All I managed to do was prove it right in some aspects.
To the best of my knowledge no one on either side of my family ever lost a pregnancy let alone as many as I have. I guess that just goes to show, I am a failure at even the most simple things.
I am blessed and believe me I know how blessed I am to have the girls I have. I am proud to be their mom. They are super great kids. I'm 37 years old, in the past 10 years I have had three miscarriages. Since the birth of my last daughter in 2001 I have not used birth control in the last seven years. Yet I haven't been able to carry a pregnancy to term since she was born.
I am more than saddened by the fact that I can not for whatever reason have another baby. I would love to be able to carry a baby of Jon's to term. The reality that I will never be able to carry another baby in my arms has hit home. Why? Why can't I do something that for most women is so simple? I don't think I have failed at being a mom. The girls have matured as young ladies very nicely. They are smart, kind, funny, wonderful young women.
Everyone keeps telling me that I didn't let anyone down.They are wrong, I let myself down. I wanted those babies with every ounce of my soul. I would give anything in this world to have them growing where they belong right now. I let them down as well, they don't get the chance to live their lives now because of me. If they had a different mom their little lives would still be growing.
I wish I could have them back. Back where they belong, waiting and growing until the day they were to be born. Back in our lives so that they could be in our arms where they should be. For some reason they were taken from us. I wish I could understand why but, I don't have a clue where things went so wrong. Being a mom means everything to me, it has always been the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life. I wish that part of my life wasn't over but, it has shown me that it is.
I will always be heart broken for the loss of two precious angels that we didn't get the chance to know. I'll always be mortified that I wasn't able to give Jon the gift of those angels. One day my heart may heal, that day won't be here for a very long time.
I know Jon would be here if he could be, hell we tried everything we could to get him home now. My doctor (if I can call him that) ruined Jon coming home to be with me through this. The doctor decided that my case was not an emergency case and refused to tell the Red Cross that Jon was needed at home. Since he refused to say those things, Jon won't be given an emergency leave.
We need him here. I need him here, Jon is the one thing that keeps me sane. I don't have a clue how I am going to live with the loss of our babies without Jon here with me. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now. I've always been good at messing up my life. Growing up mom always told me I was the biggest screw up. I have lived my life trying to prove that theory wrong. All I managed to do was prove it right in some aspects.
To the best of my knowledge no one on either side of my family ever lost a pregnancy let alone as many as I have. I guess that just goes to show, I am a failure at even the most simple things.
I am blessed and believe me I know how blessed I am to have the girls I have. I am proud to be their mom. They are super great kids. I'm 37 years old, in the past 10 years I have had three miscarriages. Since the birth of my last daughter in 2001 I have not used birth control in the last seven years. Yet I haven't been able to carry a pregnancy to term since she was born.
I am more than saddened by the fact that I can not for whatever reason have another baby. I would love to be able to carry a baby of Jon's to term. The reality that I will never be able to carry another baby in my arms has hit home. Why? Why can't I do something that for most women is so simple? I don't think I have failed at being a mom. The girls have matured as young ladies very nicely. They are smart, kind, funny, wonderful young women.
Everyone keeps telling me that I didn't let anyone down.They are wrong, I let myself down. I wanted those babies with every ounce of my soul. I would give anything in this world to have them growing where they belong right now. I let them down as well, they don't get the chance to live their lives now because of me. If they had a different mom their little lives would still be growing.
I wish I could have them back. Back where they belong, waiting and growing until the day they were to be born. Back in our lives so that they could be in our arms where they should be. For some reason they were taken from us. I wish I could understand why but, I don't have a clue where things went so wrong. Being a mom means everything to me, it has always been the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life. I wish that part of my life wasn't over but, it has shown me that it is.
I will always be heart broken for the loss of two precious angels that we didn't get the chance to know. I'll always be mortified that I wasn't able to give Jon the gift of those angels. One day my heart may heal, that day won't be here for a very long time.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wed. Nov 9th, 2011
Today started out okay I guess. I was trying to put one foot in front of the other and just get through it. Then the mail ran. My dear Jon had signed up for some baby things a while back. Today a mail order catalog came in from the place he had signed up. It was nothing but baby items in the catalog. I lost it.
I love that Jon had thought so much about having twins that he had signed up for those things. The catalog just came at a bad time. I don't know how long it will take to get over the shock of losing those babies. Everything had been going so well. The doctor was happy with how well things were going. I hadn't had any problems or complications, right up until the morning I lost both babies.
I guess that's part of why it hurts so much. I was progressing really good. Babies were growing, and I was gaining weight. Which I might add I never have done before while pregnant. I didn't have one little thing that would have made me wonder if I would get to term. I just don't understand what went wrong. Why did this have to happen? Why were our babies taken away so horribly? Why can't I give Jon the baby (babies) that he most definitely wanted?
Jon keeps telling me I didn't let anyone down. He's wrong, I let myself down. I hear the disappointment in his voice, it may not be with me. He is disappointed though. Hell I am too. When I first thought I was pregnant, I kept telling him not to get his hopes up. Guess what? I got my hopes up instead. When the test turned out positive, I was so happy. I wanted to be able to give Jon a child that he would be able to raise from day one on. I wanted us to have a child together.
Jon understands why I said I can't go through that again. Sure maybe things would turn out good and there would be a baby to love forever. But there is also a very real chance that I would fail at staying pregnant again. That is what I can't go through again.
I have seen so many doctors, no one knows why I have such a hard time carrying babies. There has to be something that keeps causing miscarriage after miscarriage.
At this point it doesn't matter the reason. Jon and I agree that I can't be in that place again. There will be no further chances, I will be getting a tubal sometime this coming year.
I am so out of it right now from what's happened that I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for the most part. Thankfully my family has understood that, and leave me to myself. All I want to do is stay curled up in bed and cry. My heart hurts so bad. I feel so empty.
I love that Jon had thought so much about having twins that he had signed up for those things. The catalog just came at a bad time. I don't know how long it will take to get over the shock of losing those babies. Everything had been going so well. The doctor was happy with how well things were going. I hadn't had any problems or complications, right up until the morning I lost both babies.
I guess that's part of why it hurts so much. I was progressing really good. Babies were growing, and I was gaining weight. Which I might add I never have done before while pregnant. I didn't have one little thing that would have made me wonder if I would get to term. I just don't understand what went wrong. Why did this have to happen? Why were our babies taken away so horribly? Why can't I give Jon the baby (babies) that he most definitely wanted?
Jon keeps telling me I didn't let anyone down. He's wrong, I let myself down. I hear the disappointment in his voice, it may not be with me. He is disappointed though. Hell I am too. When I first thought I was pregnant, I kept telling him not to get his hopes up. Guess what? I got my hopes up instead. When the test turned out positive, I was so happy. I wanted to be able to give Jon a child that he would be able to raise from day one on. I wanted us to have a child together.
Jon understands why I said I can't go through that again. Sure maybe things would turn out good and there would be a baby to love forever. But there is also a very real chance that I would fail at staying pregnant again. That is what I can't go through again.
I have seen so many doctors, no one knows why I have such a hard time carrying babies. There has to be something that keeps causing miscarriage after miscarriage.
At this point it doesn't matter the reason. Jon and I agree that I can't be in that place again. There will be no further chances, I will be getting a tubal sometime this coming year.
I am so out of it right now from what's happened that I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for the most part. Thankfully my family has understood that, and leave me to myself. All I want to do is stay curled up in bed and cry. My heart hurts so bad. I feel so empty.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Tuesday Nov. 8th, 2011
Today has been difficult to say the least. It started out at 6 a.m. Jon called me to see how things were. I called my doctor last night to see if he would speak to the Red Cross about bringing Jon home. Our soldiers can come home if there is an emergency in their family. I think losing twins qualifies for that emergency leave. I need Jon here right now. I have called the doctor twice today. He says that he called and talked to the Red Cross. So I guess Jon's coming home on emergency leave is now up to them in a way.
They have to do their part to notify Jon's superiors. Then they have to decide if they are going to let Jon have the leave. I don't know if any of them have ever lost a pregnancy before or not. But I have. It is the worst hell I have ever gone through.
The physical pain of losing a baby is bad enough. I would rather give birth without any pain meds than lose a baby to miscarriage. Besides the physical pain there is a whole lifetime of emotional pain you go through. I have been questioning the why's of course. Why were our babies taken? Why did I lose them? Why can't I seem to do something that is so damn easy? Why does Jon have to suffer because of my shortcomings as a woman? He doesn't deserve to be going through this.
Along with the questions about why, there is also a whole side to miscarriage that most people don't think about. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy, it is the death of the child. Or in this case the death of two innocent babies. We may not have had the chance to see them or hold them. But we most certainly had the chance to love them. From the very day that we found out that we were pregnant we loved them.
I don't understand why this happens. I don't understand how some people want children to their very soul and can't have them. While other people don't want kids and have them without a problem. While still others can have child after child without caring how many they have.
Tonight I read where the Duggars are once again pregnant. This makes child number 20 for them. It breaks my heart. Don't take that wrong I am happy they are able to have children, they certainly love them and take care of them. The stories you read in the paper or hear about on television of another parent that has killed their child, break my heart. There are so many people that would love to take those children and give them the love they deserve.
Jon is such a loving man, he loves kids. Hell he is one in a lot of ways. That is one of the many things I love about him. He is a kid at heart which makes him amazing when it comes to interacting with kids. He would have been the most wonderful dad in the world to our twins. I know that he would have loved them with everything he has. He loved them so much for the short time that they were in our lives.
I feel like I let him down. He says I didn't but I can hear the disappointment in his voice when he talks to me. I know the miscarriage didn't change how he feels about me. I know that he loves me still. But I also know that he wanted those babies more than even he admitted. I wish that I could have given him that. He has given me so much, and I couldn't do this one thing for him. I failed at that. I will never forgive myself for taking that away from Jon. He didn't deserve to be hurt so badly. For that I am sorry.
They have to do their part to notify Jon's superiors. Then they have to decide if they are going to let Jon have the leave. I don't know if any of them have ever lost a pregnancy before or not. But I have. It is the worst hell I have ever gone through.
The physical pain of losing a baby is bad enough. I would rather give birth without any pain meds than lose a baby to miscarriage. Besides the physical pain there is a whole lifetime of emotional pain you go through. I have been questioning the why's of course. Why were our babies taken? Why did I lose them? Why can't I seem to do something that is so damn easy? Why does Jon have to suffer because of my shortcomings as a woman? He doesn't deserve to be going through this.
Along with the questions about why, there is also a whole side to miscarriage that most people don't think about. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy, it is the death of the child. Or in this case the death of two innocent babies. We may not have had the chance to see them or hold them. But we most certainly had the chance to love them. From the very day that we found out that we were pregnant we loved them.
I don't understand why this happens. I don't understand how some people want children to their very soul and can't have them. While other people don't want kids and have them without a problem. While still others can have child after child without caring how many they have.
Tonight I read where the Duggars are once again pregnant. This makes child number 20 for them. It breaks my heart. Don't take that wrong I am happy they are able to have children, they certainly love them and take care of them. The stories you read in the paper or hear about on television of another parent that has killed their child, break my heart. There are so many people that would love to take those children and give them the love they deserve.
Jon is such a loving man, he loves kids. Hell he is one in a lot of ways. That is one of the many things I love about him. He is a kid at heart which makes him amazing when it comes to interacting with kids. He would have been the most wonderful dad in the world to our twins. I know that he would have loved them with everything he has. He loved them so much for the short time that they were in our lives.
I feel like I let him down. He says I didn't but I can hear the disappointment in his voice when he talks to me. I know the miscarriage didn't change how he feels about me. I know that he loves me still. But I also know that he wanted those babies more than even he admitted. I wish that I could have given him that. He has given me so much, and I couldn't do this one thing for him. I failed at that. I will never forgive myself for taking that away from Jon. He didn't deserve to be hurt so badly. For that I am sorry.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Monday Nov. 7th, 2011
Short night tonight.
Today has been the worst day of my life. This morning after 11 weeks of being so happy to be blessed with twins, I lost both babies. I woke up to heavy cramping and bleeding. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't know what happened. I was more careful than I have ever been while pregnant.
This evening I had the horrible job of telling Jon that I had failed as a pregnant mom. How do you tell someone something that you know is going to break their heart? Especially when that person is thousands of miles away. There was no easy way of telling him. My heart feels like it was blown up. I know that Jon is worried about me, I'm not handling this miscarriage very well. I'm more scared for Jon now though. He is having to deal with the news while he is way away from home.
I know that this is killing him inside because he wanted those babies so much. He was ecstatic from the day we found out I was pregnant. When we found out twins, he was so excited. And now, I had to break his heart. How do I live with that? I failed at one of the simplest things in the world, carrying babies to term. Why does this happen? In today's technological world, why do miscarriages still happen? Why can't they be prevented? Why do parents have to go through this? Why does this keep happening to me?
All I ever wanted was to be a mom. After I had my first daughter, all I wanted left in the world was to have a son. I have four wonderful daughters now. I am blessed I know.I would have given anything to have had a son. Now though, I can not go through one more heartbreak. I can not put myself in a place that this can happen again. Part of me dies every time. I don't have many more parts left. My heart is tired of pain. I don't want to go through this again.
Jon,
I'm sorry. I promise I tried to be very careful. I wanted our babies. I would have given anything not to have had to put you through this. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to tell you while you were there. But how could I not tell you? I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let the family down. But I'm even more sorry that there are two little babies that won't get to know what its like to have you love them.
I'm sorry
Today has been the worst day of my life. This morning after 11 weeks of being so happy to be blessed with twins, I lost both babies. I woke up to heavy cramping and bleeding. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't know what happened. I was more careful than I have ever been while pregnant.
This evening I had the horrible job of telling Jon that I had failed as a pregnant mom. How do you tell someone something that you know is going to break their heart? Especially when that person is thousands of miles away. There was no easy way of telling him. My heart feels like it was blown up. I know that Jon is worried about me, I'm not handling this miscarriage very well. I'm more scared for Jon now though. He is having to deal with the news while he is way away from home.
I know that this is killing him inside because he wanted those babies so much. He was ecstatic from the day we found out I was pregnant. When we found out twins, he was so excited. And now, I had to break his heart. How do I live with that? I failed at one of the simplest things in the world, carrying babies to term. Why does this happen? In today's technological world, why do miscarriages still happen? Why can't they be prevented? Why do parents have to go through this? Why does this keep happening to me?
All I ever wanted was to be a mom. After I had my first daughter, all I wanted left in the world was to have a son. I have four wonderful daughters now. I am blessed I know.I would have given anything to have had a son. Now though, I can not go through one more heartbreak. I can not put myself in a place that this can happen again. Part of me dies every time. I don't have many more parts left. My heart is tired of pain. I don't want to go through this again.
Jon,
I'm sorry. I promise I tried to be very careful. I wanted our babies. I would have given anything not to have had to put you through this. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to tell you while you were there. But how could I not tell you? I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let the family down. But I'm even more sorry that there are two little babies that won't get to know what its like to have you love them.
I'm sorry
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday Sept. 30th, 2011
Hello my friends,
Today has been another rough day. Deployment is approaching quickly, which makes each day miserable. As time gets closer for Jon to leave, I am finding it harder every day to keep my mind here on what needs to be done. How do you function daily when your heart isn't in your body anymore? Jon took my heart on that plane with him when he left.
I'm finding myself more stressed out as the days go on. No matter what I try to do, my stress level just keeps increasing. Each time I think about that fact that I am too stressed, the level increases that much more. I know I can't be putting myself in all this stress, it's not good for me; the girls or these babies. That thought just adds even more stress, because now I worry about the health of the babies if I am this stressed out.
I try to find ways to keep my mind off of things that matter, trust me when I say that all your mind focuses on is the stressing of the situation.
I went today to pick up the last batch of photos Jon, I and the girls had taken before he left. I was okay for the most part. Mom was with me, when she talked about the fact that Jon was deploying soon she broke down. Which in turn made me break down too. After getting home, I spoke with Jon for a few minutes. That conversation left me bawling like a baby. I sent an email to him that, I probably should have thought twice before sending.
I know he has a ton of things on his mind as he prepares for his deployment. He doesn't need a bumbling mess of a wife at home making it harder on him. For the most part I have tried to keep my composure when I talk with him. It hits me the hardest at night after the house has gotten quiet. That used to be our time to lay in bed talking to one another. Now it's my time to sit in bed and have a nice long cry. It seems like I have been doing more of that than any one person should. I never thought I drank enough liquids in a day to be able to produce that many tears. The tears just keep on flowing anyway.
How I am ever going to be able to face this coming year without Jon by my side is beyond me. Somehow, I know that I will have to find the strength to pull through this without being such a mess every day. Right now, I just don't see how to do that.
Every one keeps telling me it will be okay, that I'll get through it and that Jon will be home sooner than I think. Hello? Are you kidding me? I want to ask those people if they have ever had to live with their husband going off to fight a war. Sooner than I think? Yeah so how does 1 year or 12 months come out any shorter? That's right no matter how you look at it, it's still a freaking year.
On a better note; we have names picked out!
Boys:
Jonathan Jr.
Justin Lawrence
GIRLS:
Caylee Grace
Haylee Dawn
I am so happy we finally agreed to names!
Jon,
I love you sweetheart.
Betty
Friday, September 23, 2011
Deployment Day.
Well, yesterday we drove to Jon's post to see him off during a Deployment Ceremony. After that was over we went out to eat. As we were preparing to leave the restaurant our oldest daughter Brandi broke down. She said to me, "he was just gone three weeks and it felt like a lifetime, how are we supposed to make it a year without him?"
How do you answer that from a child?
All I could say is, " we'll make it through together and he'll be okay."
That didn't help her or me at all. All day today people have been telling me that everything will be okay, and that he is coming home. You know what I want to tell them? No everything isn't okay and we don't know if he will be able to come home. There are no guarantees at all. Every soldier that goes over there has a family member at home thinking everything will be okay and that their soldier will be home. Guess what it doesn't always happen to be the case for the soldiers. They don't always get to come home.
Jon and I have only had a short time together as it is, and it may be the only time I ever have with him. I hate that our government can take that away from us. Yes, it is the governments fault if Jon doesn't make it home. They ORDERED him to deploy there. Yes, I realize Jon was the one that signed up. He wanted to support OUR country. Not go over and fight and kill people.
Now I'm sure it seems like I don't support our military. Quite the opposite though. I support the military, I support our troops. I just do not support our GOVERNMENT ordering these troops and their families to make these year long sacrifices. By the time that Jon gets home he will have missed the following:
birthdays
doctors visits
the birth of our baby
the first 4-6 months of his son or daughters life.
All because the US government decided to send our troops over to other countries to kill others. Even having gone over there and killed those that were responsible for 9/11, we are still there killing even more people. For what purpose?
Our country would be made safer by having all those troops here in the US protecting us here. I would certainly feel safer knowing there were 30,000+ troops here watching out for us.
I will continue standing behind my dear Jon. Because I love him. I will however never stand behind a government that uses our brave troops to murder people in other countries. To me that is no different than someone walking in the middle of the street and killing anyone that gets out in public.
How does that make us here in the US any different than those that come here and kill innocent people? It doesn't. Either way it is murder. I am not calling our troops murderers by any means. They are only doing their jobs.
I love Jon with all my heart. I will always stand by him in whatever he does. I am proud that he is standing up for the freedoms that we all hold near and dear.
The road to Jon coming home is going to be a long one filled with emptiness and sadness. It will also be filled with anger and pain. Yet it is a road that I must travel, because at the end of that road if I am lucky, my soldier will be back in my arms again where he belongs.
How do you answer that from a child?
All I could say is, " we'll make it through together and he'll be okay."
That didn't help her or me at all. All day today people have been telling me that everything will be okay, and that he is coming home. You know what I want to tell them? No everything isn't okay and we don't know if he will be able to come home. There are no guarantees at all. Every soldier that goes over there has a family member at home thinking everything will be okay and that their soldier will be home. Guess what it doesn't always happen to be the case for the soldiers. They don't always get to come home.
Jon and I have only had a short time together as it is, and it may be the only time I ever have with him. I hate that our government can take that away from us. Yes, it is the governments fault if Jon doesn't make it home. They ORDERED him to deploy there. Yes, I realize Jon was the one that signed up. He wanted to support OUR country. Not go over and fight and kill people.
Now I'm sure it seems like I don't support our military. Quite the opposite though. I support the military, I support our troops. I just do not support our GOVERNMENT ordering these troops and their families to make these year long sacrifices. By the time that Jon gets home he will have missed the following:
birthdays
doctors visits
the birth of our baby
the first 4-6 months of his son or daughters life.
All because the US government decided to send our troops over to other countries to kill others. Even having gone over there and killed those that were responsible for 9/11, we are still there killing even more people. For what purpose?
Our country would be made safer by having all those troops here in the US protecting us here. I would certainly feel safer knowing there were 30,000+ troops here watching out for us.
I will continue standing behind my dear Jon. Because I love him. I will however never stand behind a government that uses our brave troops to murder people in other countries. To me that is no different than someone walking in the middle of the street and killing anyone that gets out in public.
How does that make us here in the US any different than those that come here and kill innocent people? It doesn't. Either way it is murder. I am not calling our troops murderers by any means. They are only doing their jobs.
I love Jon with all my heart. I will always stand by him in whatever he does. I am proud that he is standing up for the freedoms that we all hold near and dear.
The road to Jon coming home is going to be a long one filled with emptiness and sadness. It will also be filled with anger and pain. Yet it is a road that I must travel, because at the end of that road if I am lucky, my soldier will be back in my arms again where he belongs.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Not looking for love
Sometimes when we least expect to find love, it appears out of nowhere. It is how we choose to handle the situation that determines if we find love. Do you open your mind to new possibilities or has your past drawn a heavy curtain around your heart?
Our lives can be lead down a rocky road or we can choose to let go of the past and see the world with new vision. If we are to have a happy and healthy life, we must choose to let go of hurt and anger. No one other than ourselves can live our lives for us. We must accept that love can be found when we least expect it.
Our lives can be lead down a rocky road or we can choose to let go of the past and see the world with new vision. If we are to have a happy and healthy life, we must choose to let go of hurt and anger. No one other than ourselves can live our lives for us. We must accept that love can be found when we least expect it.
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