Today is the first time since this deployment began that I haven't heard from my husband. It sucks. I knew that there were going to be many days like this though. I know that this is just the first of many days I won't hear from him. I refuse to let my overactive imagination run away from me though. He is only busy with work. Silence doesn't mean anything is wrong, it only means he is really busy.
I'm not looking forward to a long deployment. I know that it is going to be very rough. Right now is even more so for me though. I'm trying my best to deal with Jon being gone from home, dealing with the girls, and dealing with the loss of our twins. It all seems to much right now. I would give anything to have my rock here beside me; holding me in his arms like he always does. Jon is not just my rock, he is the one person in my life I have always known that I can count on to be there for me no matter what I am going through.
This deployment has gotten in the way of that. Jon isn't able to be here right now although in his heart he is. I can feel his love every time that he calls or we Skype. I know without a doubt that his heart and mind are here with me as I cope with the loss of our babies. I don't know how so many families deal with the separation that deployment brings. Jon always tells me that I am strong, if only he knew how wrong that statement is. I am not strong, I can put on a good front most days. In reality though I am a crumbling mess. My heart is saddened. I feel alone and empty right now. Not only Jon being overseas, but the loss of our angels it all comes together to make me feel so lost.
I've been receiving e-mails from readers telling me to get over it. That I am just milking the situation for pity. Hello? Are you kidding me? Have any of you that have emailed ever lost a child due to a miscarriage? Let me tell you something, it is no different than your child dying. Jon and I lost our twins, they died. You tell me what is a good time frame for grieving the death of a child? Who are you to tell me to get over it?
If you don't like what I post about, get OFF my blog. I post about my feelings, if you can't understand my feelings you shouldn't be here. I will not apologize for mourning the death of two little angels. I lost our twins less than a week ago. I loved those babies with everything I have, they were a blessing that Jon and I were both so happy to have been given. They were loved and wanted. They are missed by many.
If I continue to receive those types of emails I will be taking a leave from blogging until I feel I can blog without expressing my feelings over the loss of our babies. Right now this blog is my way of trying to deal with the loss in a way that isn't harmful to my spirit. I need to be able to vent about having two little lives taken from me.
Jon my love,
I know that this has been hard on you with you being where you are. I wish that I could take that pain away for you. I wish that I could be there to help you through this horrible time. I love you with all my heart love. Stay safe and know that my heart is there with you.
Betty
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