Monday Nov. 21st, 2011

The days just seem to keep getting harder instead of easier. I don't know how much more I can take right now. My nerves are shot. My heart can't take much more heartache. Each day that moves me forward also seems to knock me back a few steps. When does it start to get easier?

This morning started out about normal. I knew that I had a doctors appointment today so I got ready and left. The doctor that I went to see was my old doctor. I was supposed to see a new lady but she was called out of the office so my old doctor took my appointment time for her.

The lab tests came back on twin B today. Unfortunately there wasn't much that the test proved. They proved that there was no abnormal defects in little Haylee. The tests couldn't determine what caused her heart to stop or if it had stopped prior to the miscarriage. There was no reason physically for the miscarriage to have happened.



I had already guessed that would be the result of three weeks of waiting to find out something. I have had more than a fair share of miscarriages over the years and they never have been able to really figure it out. Well I shouldn't say never. Once they were able to, the baby had a heart defect that cause me to loose that one.But, once again with the twins they have no clue as to what caused my precious girls to be taken away so violently.

Once again it boils down to the fact that for whatever reason; my body rejected two little angels. People around me keep saying it's not my fault; I would like to know who's fault it is if not mine? No one else had the responsibility to keep that precious package safe. That was my job alone. No one else had their body fail them. No one else had their body reject two little gifts from God. My body did that all on it's own. My body is the one that continues to let me down; this time also letting down a whole family of people that were anticipating the arrival of two babies.Why does this keep happening?

The doctor wants to do a battery of tests on me now. She wants to know if my hormone levels are out of whack. She wants to determine if my Thyroid or Pituitary is not functioning correctly. She called this afternoon around four to tell me she wants to start testing in January. She wanted to know what the doctor had put me on before I had lost the twins. She asked if I was taking Folic Acid and if the doctor had me on Aspirin every day or not. No I had not taken Folic Acid and yes I have been taking Aspirin daily for going on ten years. Then she asked how much aspirin; which I said I take one Low Dose of 81 mg a day.

I don't know what any of that has to do with the fact that I just lost two babies. I started the Aspirin almost ten years ago after having what my then doctor called a mini stroke. I have been fine since; although I can tell when I have forgotten it for more than a few days. Other than that; to the best of my knowledge I do no have any major health problems.

What does any of this have to do with a miscarriage? I have no idea. All I know is she wants all these tests done. I don't know why I should bother; my mind is already made up that I cannot go through another miscarriage. The only way to prevent that with 100% certainty is to stop the possibility of even getting pregnant. The idea of not ever being able to have another baby saddens me beyond belief. Before conceiving the twins I was certain I didn't want more children. After getting pregnant with them; I knew I wanted to be a mom again.

I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids, I love babies, I love being able to see those little babies turn into bright funny young adults. I love to see the look on their faces when they learn something new. I love holding those precious little ones in my arms. I love being a mom.

Then I had yet another miscarriage. Now I am scared to death to even think about babies. I feel like I killed my own twins. Now before I start getting all kinds of emails or posts about that statement; stop. I don't mean in the sense that I actually harmed my babies. I know I did what I could to keep them safe and sound where they belonged. However, it was my body that rejected them; had it not those babies would still be safe where they were. My body for whatever reason didn't want those babies inside me. I DID! They were a part of the love that Jon and I share. They were a part of Jon that I wanted to be able to love forever.

I don't know how to get through all of this. Please for all that is precious; do not tell me anymore that it isn't my fault. I have been here too many times; I know that it is no one's fault. I know that if  my body didn't reject them they would still be alive. So please, no more of the it's not your fault speeches. I love you all for trying to appease my guilt factor here, I really do. Honestly all it does is make me realize that much more that it is my fault. I have to have time to process this all; and right now I see it as my fault.

Maybe years down the road I won't think that way. I don't know. For now though that is how I feel. Nothing anyone can say will take that away. I'm not trying to be rude or hurtful. I'm just stating my feelings inside of me. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. But telling me that it's not my fault and trying to tell me that I didn't let anyone down is a waste of time right now. Because that IS how I feel.

Until later,

Betty