Wed. Nov 9th, 2011

Today started out okay I guess. I was trying to put one foot in front of the other and just get through it. Then the mail ran. My dear Jon had signed up for some baby things a while back. Today a mail order catalog came in from the place he had signed up. It was nothing but baby items in the catalog. I lost it.

I love that Jon had thought so much about having twins that he had signed up for those things. The catalog just came at a bad time. I don't know how long it will take to get over the shock of losing those babies. Everything had been going so well. The doctor was happy with how well things were going. I hadn't had any problems or complications, right up until the morning I lost both babies.

I guess that's part of why it hurts so much. I was progressing really good. Babies were growing, and I was gaining weight. Which I might add I never have done before while pregnant. I didn't have one little thing that would have made me wonder if I would get to term.  I just don't understand what went wrong. Why did this have to happen? Why were our babies taken away so horribly? Why can't I give Jon the baby (babies) that he most definitely wanted?

Jon keeps telling me I didn't let anyone down. He's wrong, I let myself down. I hear the disappointment in his voice, it may not be with me. He is disappointed though. Hell I am too. When I first thought I was pregnant, I kept telling him not to get his hopes up. Guess what? I got my hopes up instead. When the test turned out positive, I was so happy. I wanted to be able to give Jon a child that he would be able to raise from day one on. I wanted us to have a child together.

Jon understands why I said I can't  go through that again. Sure maybe things would turn out good and there would be a baby to love forever. But there is also a very real chance that I would fail at staying pregnant again. That is what I can't go through again.

I have seen so many doctors, no one knows why I have such a hard time carrying babies. There has to be something that keeps causing miscarriage after miscarriage.

At this point it doesn't matter the reason. Jon and I agree that I can't be in that place again. There will be no further chances, I will be getting a tubal sometime this coming year.

I am so out of it right now from what's happened that I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for the most part. Thankfully my family has understood that, and leave me to myself. All I want to do is stay curled up in bed and cry. My heart hurts so bad. I feel so empty.