Tuesday Nov 15th, 2011

I took the day off from blogging yesterday. I needed the day to myself. I spent the day unpacking from my recent trip, getting laundry done, and just having time to sit back and think. It was a long day. It was one of those days that had Jon been here with me I would have felt so much better.I did get a lot done though, and spent time to myself which I badly needed.

Today was not such a great day though. I had a lot of things I had to get accomplished. I managed to get everything that was of importance finished. My last stop for today took a lot out of me. There was a lady in the place that was holding a small baby. Someone asked her how old the baby was, one week old born last Monday. I was standing there listening in a strange way. I started bawling when she said that her daughter Annisa was born on Monday.I grabbed what I was there to get and ran out of the building.

I don't know how I am supposed to live with the fact that my babies won't ever get the chance to be born. I won't ever get the chance to proudly tell people that the twins are a week old, or how much they weighed. I won't ever get the chance to see Jon talking to them or playing with them.

I feel like an idiot for running from the store the way I did, at the time I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It's been just over a week ago now that I lost our babies, it's not getting any easier. I have moments where it doesn't cross my mind, then all of a sudden something makes it hit me. I'm tired of the pain every day, every minute of  the day.

I'm tired of having to be so strong when all I want to do is have my breakdown. All I want to do is have my babies back where they are supposed to be right now, growing inside of me until their birth date. My sweet Jon was supposed to try to get his leave for the births. We had so many things we were going to do during his leave. Now it just seems like there isn't really a reason to take the leave. Of course there's the fact that I will get to see him for a short time, which is awesome in itself. Only then, I will once again have to let go for him to finish his time away.

Why in the good lord's name can't he just be allowed to come home? Our children died, Jon is needed at home. I need him here with me, I don't know how to get through any of this without him. I know he is doing what he has to do. I know he has no choice but to be there. I know if he could be he would be here at home right now. That makes it even harder to deal with this, because I know he is worried about me. I don't want to make his job harder on him. This situation is hard enough on both of us without him feeling bad about not being able to be here.

I don't blame him for not being here, I blame bad timing and my body for letting me down. I blame myself for not being woman enough to carry our babies to term. Jon keeps apologizing to me, it's so not his fault. It's mine. It was my body that rejected the twins, it was me that couldn't do what as a woman I was made to do.

Enough of this for now, I need a good long cry right now.

Betty