Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday Sept. 30th, 2011

Hello my friends,

Today has been another rough day. Deployment is approaching quickly, which makes each day miserable. As time gets closer for Jon to leave, I am finding it harder every day to keep my mind here on what needs to be done. How do you function daily when your heart isn't in your body anymore? Jon took my heart on that plane with him when he left.

I'm finding myself more stressed out as the days go on. No matter what I try to do, my stress level just keeps increasing. Each time I think about that fact that I am too stressed, the level increases that much more. I know I can't be putting myself in all this stress, it's not good for me; the girls or these babies. That thought just adds even more stress, because now I worry about the health of the babies if I am this stressed out.

I try to find ways to keep my mind off of things that matter, trust me when I say that all your mind focuses on is the stressing of the situation.

I went today to pick up the last batch of photos Jon, I and the girls had taken before he left. I was okay for the most part. Mom was with me, when she talked about the fact that Jon was deploying soon she broke down. Which in turn made me break down too. After getting home, I spoke with Jon for a few minutes. That conversation left me bawling like a baby. I sent an email to him that, I probably should have thought twice before sending.

I know he has a ton of things on his mind as he prepares for his deployment. He doesn't need a bumbling mess of a wife at home making it harder on him. For the most part I have tried to keep my composure when I talk with him. It hits me the hardest at night after the house has gotten quiet. That used to be our time to lay in bed talking to one another. Now it's my time to sit in bed and have a nice long cry. It seems like I  have been doing more of that than any one person should. I never thought I drank enough liquids in a day to be able to produce that many tears. The tears just keep on flowing anyway.

How I am ever going to be able to face this coming year without Jon by my side is beyond me. Somehow, I know that I will have to find the strength to pull through this without being such a mess every day. Right now, I just don't see how to do that.

Every one keeps telling me it will be okay, that I'll get through it and that Jon will be home sooner than I think. Hello? Are you kidding me? I want to ask those people if they have ever had to live with their husband going off to fight  a war. Sooner than I think? Yeah so how does 1 year or 12 months come out any shorter? That's right no matter how you look at it, it's still a freaking year.

On a better note; we have names picked out!


Jonathan Jr.
Justin Lawrence


Caylee Grace
Haylee Dawn

I am so happy we finally agreed to names!


I love you sweetheart.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Thursday Sept. 29th, 2011

What a day today has been. I haven't been able to talk to Jon much though. That part stinks, but it's still been a pretty good day. My mood is up today which has been nice. So even though I haven't done much of anything, I feel like I have accomplished a lot.

I guess the biggest news is that I found my step-mom and my two step sisters and one step brother. I was on Facebook last night telling a friend happy birthday when I noticed a name of someone that had also wished birthday blessings. Michael Hall. That name jumped out at me.I had a step-brother with that name. Surely it couldn't be one in the same, could it? So I clicked the name and went to that wall. Imagine my surprise to see that it was indeed the same Michael Hall. I clicked a few other names on his family list. Carrie, my step-sister that I was pretty darn close with was listed. My step-mother Carolyn was also listed.

Carrie and I messaged back and forth for awhile, and then Carolyn also started messaging me. It was great! I was able to talk to them both this evening on the phone.

You never really realize how much you miss being a part of a family until you don't have that in your life anymore. It's like I found a part of me that had been missing almost 20 years. It's amazing how that makes you feel inside to re-meet your family. I'm hoping to get the chance to meet up with Carrie this weekend if all goes well.

My daughters have had that same kind of life. They never really had much family around. It has been so awesome being with the family we have come to love so much. Jon, mom and dad have all been so great about making the girls feel like they are a part of a family. It's been wonderful watching the girls getting so close to family. After meeting up with my aunt and uncle a few weeks ago, it's really beginning to feel like a family should feel.

Little by little I don't feel like the black sheep in the family anymore. I have people that love me and my kids, people that want us around. Who would have ever thought family could feel that way about family. My family was never close, I still have two sisters that won't have anything to do with me. I don't get to be a part of my nieces' lives or my nephew's. But I have parents, and sisters, an aunt and an uncle that like me being around.

I have an amazingly wonderful husband that loves me for me. That does anything and everything to make sure that I am happy. He doesn't see how I keep saying that I am the luckiest woman alive. I am so blessed. I never thought my life could get any better. Then something else changes and I feel even more blessed.

In these last three months, I have seen what Heaven is. I am a lucky woman. I have three angels with me every day. I have faith that the man I love will be home with us as soon as he can. I have hope that all will continue to get better and better.

On another note; I think I have came up with the perfect names for our beautiful little bundles if they should turn out to be darlings little girls.

Haylee Dawn
Caylee Grace

I love that they can sound like twins, yet still be unique with the difference in the middle names. I haven't had a chance to throw those names out to Jon yet. I'm hopeful however that he will like those names. I know that I leaned away from the names I had thought so much of. Not a Destiny, or a Charity, and not a Heaven or Cherish. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE those names. Each unique and beautiful. But, I know my sweet man. I think the Haylee and Caylee will be a better choice where he is concerned.

(That doesn't mean I can't still hope for a little Cherish and Heaven.)

My darling Jon,

I know I keep throwing names out there to you. I just want you to keep thinking about your own ideas too. We will find the perfect names. I love you, and I miss you more than you can know. I look forward to being back in your arms soon. Even if it's only a few days that I get to be there. Stay safe my love.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Wednesday Sept. 28th, 2011

As I was sitting here this evening trying to figure out what would become this blog post, I realized I have too many things on my mind at once. There's the whole I'm in a new relationship part. There's the whole OMG we are getting married part. Then still there is the, he is heading to Afghanistan part. Of course you can't forget to throw in the whole, "we're having a baby; no wait TWO babies" part.

Then there is still that whole part of; two new babies whose daddy won't be able to be here to welcome them home with me. Therein lies my problem; too many parts all scattered every where. So as I sat down here with the laptop I realized I had no idea what to fill the screen with. There is no longer any room in what brain I had to put any more parts.

So I sat here for well over an hour; just staring at this screen. What do you find to fill a page when your mind can't sit still on any one part of your life for long? One can only complain about the government so many times. One can only discuss her fears or concerns so much. Day to day boring life chores are nothing to write about when there are so many pressing things out in this world.

It's hard to put yourself into someones shoes when you live there daily.

So, today I thought I would take just a few minutes to talk about preparing for leave with your soldier.
Now mind you this has just been my experience so far.

When you first find out that your soldier will be getting x amount of days leave before deploying overseas; stop take a deep breath. Something I have found useful, write all details your soldier gives you in pencil. With the military, things are subject to change daily. Now if you are like me in any way and are afraid of heights;flying; or any number of other phobias, you will want to do some major checking into the best way to get to your soldier.

For me, I found that a train will be the best way. It's relatively cheap, I can get up and move around (important with being pregnant), someone else gets to drive, I can sleep. The downside to the train ride is a 23 hour drive by car turns into a 48 hour train ride. Again, I can deal with that based on the positive things listed a moment ago. Prepare early, it will be one of the hardest things you do. It is never easy to say goodbye. It is made even harder when you don't know if you will ever get the chance to say welcome home.

On a more positive note, the leave. After deciding on travel methods, you will want to do research into hotels. Trust me online you can find a lot of things about most hotels. Read those reviews other guests have left after their stays there. Yet another part, rental cars while your soldier is on leave. If you are going to take some other form of transportation down, you will need a car at some point. Don't wait until leave day, you may find that there are no rentals available.

Now at this point, those are the things that have been keeping my mind occupied the last few days. It makes the days go by a little easier when I have other things to think about. I find it difficult to sit with nothing to take my mind off of Jon being gone.

I went today to check on photos we had taken before he left. They are not in yet.  Hopefully they will be in soon. I can't wait to see my hero in 10x13 size. Oh that is another thing, take lots of pictures. If you have young kids get them disposable cameras. Let them take plenty of pictures of their deploying mom dad what have you. It helps them to deal with the deployment.

Jon's mom took video before Jon left of him talking to my belly. It was sweet, and broke my heart at the same time. Looking back now, it means even more to me since finding out the baby has turned into babies. We had no idea we were having twins when the video was taken. But to be able to watch Jon telling our "baby" that he loves him or her was so special.

We won't have a lot of that. That video is one I will Cherish forever. We are happily trying to come up with names for baby girls now. We have decided on names if the babies turn out to be boys.

Jonathan Jr. (of course, I had to go there!)
Justin Lawrence (Lawrence after Jon's dad)

Girls names are being a bit more difficult. We have three daughters already. So names for girls are making us really have to think. Some that I have thrown out for Jon's opinion are:

Cherish Faith
Charity Dawn

I also love the following names:

Cherish Hope
Heaven Leann
Cherish Destiny
Destiny Grace

I like the more non-normal names. Ones you may hear from time to time, but not often. The names Cherish and Faith I really love. I cherish the time I have with Jon, I cherish these babies. I have Faith that someone had a hand in this relationship from the beginning. I know without a doubt that Jon is my Destiny, he has shown me what Heaven is.

Okay, call me a romantic nut. Maybe I am, after all I am the woman that goes to the local park and sits on the bleachers just to think back to the night I met Jon. I am a sentimental romantic. Those little things mean everything to me.

Dearest Jon,

We will eventually come up with two beautiful names for our babies if we are blessed with daughters. Whatever we decide on, I know they will be perfect for our daughters. Thank you my love for helping me through this long road of life. You make each day worth walking through. Together we will pave the road for all of our children. Thank you love for blessing me with this family we have created together. We are so very blessed.

I love you,

Your wife

OMG What News!

Just Found out this evening!

That's right! Jon and I are the Proud expectant parents of twins! I just about fell out of the van when my doctor called and told me that there are two little bundles on the way. She then said that baby 1 and baby 2 are both in the same sack. Which for those of you that don't know what it means, the babies are going to be identical!

It is still too soon to tell if they are going to be boys or if they will fill our house with two more daughters. Either way is fine with me. I love the girls we have so much, two more would only be a bigger blessing. If by some miracle we are blessed with two sons, my heart will finally be filled. I have always wanted a son. Two would complete my family.

Three months ago I would have laughed at anyone that would have said to me; in three months you will be in love, engaged,married, and expecting twins. I would have laughed myself silly. It's funny how when you aren't looking for the right relationship, it just finds you. Before meeting Jon I thought I knew what true love was supposed to be like. Jon showed me that everything I had thought love to be, well I was so wrong. Love lifts you up. Not only in life but in your heart.

Jon has lifted my heart so high that I'm not even sure it is still in my chest at times. We weren't looking for love, we certainly weren't looking for a family larger than we had at the time. We definitely weren't looking to expand our family. I believe someone a lot higher than me, decided it was the right time with the right man.


I love you so very much. Twins, you really do things better than most. LOL Thank you my sweet love for blessing me in all the ways you do. I can't seem to stop smiling now. Life is good.

I love you,


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tuesday Sept. 27th, 2011

Busy, busy day today. My morning started out on just 4 1/2 hours sleep. Then it was internet searching for the best possible way to go from my home state of Illinois to my old state. Who would have known, when you are scared to fly the next best form of transportation is Amtrak.

Being afraid to death of heights, and very claustrophobic makes flying pretty much out of the question. Add in the fact of baby on board, not being able to take anything to help relax on a flight. Baby, means no drinking to help either. So, feet will be planted somewhat safely on ground even if that ground will be moving.

Even with my phobias if it came down to flying being my only option; I would hop on that plane so fast they would think I was attempting to fly it myself. Yes, if you want to know I am very excited to get to see my soldier before he leaves on his tour of Afghanistan.

Besides looking into the cheapest route of transport and trying to tie up some loose ends here, I have been a busy little rabbit today. School for the girls got a late start this year with trying to let them have as much dad time as possible before he left. So today we began getting all of their things ready for a super long school day tomorrow.

I have two that have decided they are ready to try "regular" public school next year. So that means  making sure that we work overtime this year on their readiness for that. Our loving little monkey still prefers to stay home for the time being. I am happy to hear that, as having all three away all day five days a week next year would be heart breaking for me. They have been with me since the day they were born. I will miss having them all home, but I know that it is time to let them spread their wings somewhat so to speak.

Thankfully, grandma is here to take over their classes while I make my trip to see Jon. I have a lot of preparation ahead of me to make sure she has everything she will need during those almost two weeks I will be gone. I know they will be in great hands so I don't have that worry on my mind while away. Mom is a blessing to me and these girls. She has been right there since Jon had to leave, making sure that we are all okay even when she felt her world crashing around her at the time.

I know I will be leaning to mom to help me through this next year, and I hope that I am able to help her through it in return. It's not going to be easy on any of us while Jon is serving our country. With each others help we will survive though.

This trip to Texas to see Jon is keeping me focused on what needs to be done before I can travel. It keeps my mind off of the fact that he isn't here with me. I have so much to get accomplished before leaving. The travel arrangements, hotel, car rental, making sure the girls and mom and dad have everything they may need here; is a lot to focus on. That's okay, it's what I need right now.

My dear love,

being back in your arms next month is what I am happily thinking about everyday. I can't wait to feel your arms wrapped around me again. The look on your face when you see just how big our baby bump is getting will be priceless. Four wonderful days and nights of feeling your heart beat, of feeling your breath against my skin; is a slice of heaven I can't explain.

I look forward to just having your arms around me as we sit and talk. I miss our talks more than you can imagine. I love you my love


Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday September 26th, 2011-- Doctor Day

Today was my first doctor appointment. The doctor agreed with my dates. It seems that I am due April 26th though. I was thinking more of April 30th. It's only four days.So anyway the doctor says:

Due April 26th
7 weeks today
baby is small measuring in at 5 weeks
heartbeat good
need to see a different doctor for the pregnancy.

 That's all good news! She says that everything seems to be progressing fine.The reason for me showing already? Well, according to her I have a high fluid level. Which to me is excellent news since I usually have a problem with low fluid.

It's still too soon to get my hopes up yet, but I am getting more excited every day that everything is okay for baby.I'm still wishing that Jon would be able to have time at home around the delivery date. I would give anything to have him by my side to welcome our little one into this world. I know however that it is highly unlikely that he will be able to be here. That's okay, one of the nurses can film the delivery for me thankfully.

Either way Jon will be made a part of the miracle of life.


You are such a huge part of my life. Every day we spend together (yet separated by miles) reminds me that you have to hold on to what you have because you never know when it will slip from your arms. My arms are always here waiting for you to slip back into them, right back where you belong. Thank you for the little miracle that we created together. I can't wait to see that smile on your face when you get to see him or her for the first time.

I love you my sweet husband,


September 25th, 2011

Yet another day. Yesterday was filled with good news all around. Today, well today is almost as hard as Friday was. From the moment I woke up, it was a crappy day. Nasty, rainy, cold, miserable, and lonely day. The only thing that made this day bearable was a pillow case. What on earth is she talking about?

On Thursday of this past week we had the Deployment Ceremony for Jon. During the ceremony the soldiers and the families were able to have pictures taken. Jon had his done first before we arrived. We had the family one done after the ceremony. The pictures were put onto pillow cases. Jon's picture was put onto eight pillow cases. Our family picture was put onto two cases.

The eight cases came home with the family. We each got one to keep. The two with the family picture went to Jon. I have my case with his picture laying next to me on the bed where his pillow is usually at. I wake to see him next to me every morning that way, and the case doesn't get messed up from me laying on it.

He even smiled in his picture which he doesn't usually do unless I say something to remind him to smile. I love that picture. He is in uniform, smiling!

There is something about that smile that melts my heart. I think it's the way that his eyes shine when he smiles. Then again maybe, just maybe, it's because he is truly happy. I know that he has made me completely happy since we met. Not a day goes by that I do not thank my lucky stars for having met the most wonderful man ever.

Having that pillow case next to me isn't the same as having him next to me to curl up to. But its the best I can do right now. I'm so glad that he thought about it enough that he had it done. Just having that one little part of him next to me every night helps a small amount. Seeing him there smiling next to me in the mornings helps the loneliness not be quite so bad.

Anyway, today was a hard day. Made a little easier with the help of a pillow case. We don't get to talk as much as I would like now. But he calls and texts as he can and as he is allowed. How on earth I am going to be able to function going days and even weeks without hearing from him; I have no idea. I know that the time is coming where I won't hear from him very often. It sucks big time. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, it isn't easy though.

I am doing my best not to break down though. I was doing ok until this afternoon. We have a program on the computers here at home and on his cell that lets him take over the home computers. Today he took over the desktop computer. He opened Word and left a nice note to me and our girls:

I love you baby. Thank you for everything my love. I love you too my beautiful daughters.

That was all he said. But it was enough to set me back in tears all over again. I wasn't crying because he is gone right now so much. It was more that he thought enough about us to take the time out of what he has going on to do something that meant so much to us. Every little simple thing like that; makes me love him even more.

It goes to show that it really is the simple things in life that matter the most. Trust me, that meant the world to me today. I needed that more than he could have known. That small little note put huge grins on our daughters faces. They needed that as much as I did.


Thank you doesn't begin to cover what I want to say. But yet, thank you is the only words I can seem to find right now. You have touched my life in a way that I never dreamed was possible. I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship yet alone love, when we met. I still find it amazing that you didn't run the other way when you saw that I had three daughters. Not many men are willing to take on the responsibility of another mans kids. You however are not most men. You have taken that responsibility and enjoyed every second of it.

That alone my love is a blessing for me and for the girls. They love having you in their lives. Thank you for the piece of you that you have given me to keep with me while you are away. Thank you for the piece of you that I will spend every day for the rest of my life enjoying. You have given me so many things, this baby I will cherish forever.

I love you,


Saturday, September 24, 2011

A better day.

Scratching his head.
This morning I had the pleasure of waking up to a surprising yet completely amazing text from my sweet Jon.He had sent me the best news I could have hoped for. Our four days of leave we had both been upset over losing, it's back on! What does that mean? It means that in October I get to travel a 24 hour drive to be able to spend four amazing days to be with Jon before he heads to Afghanistan.

To say that I am shocked and happy would be a total understatement. I am so beyond thrilled! I was so heartbroken that Friday morning had been the last I would be able to see him until next year. To wake up to the news that I will be able to spend four of the most exhilarating days with my soldier made my year.

I am excited to say the least. I am looking so forward to those days. You never know what it is like to not be able to wake up in the arms of the man you love, until it is taken away from you. For those four days, I get to have that back. Four days of being able to feel his heart beating next to mine! Four days of feeling his breath against my neck. Four days of total bliss!

Jon my dear love,

thank you so much for making my day full of excitement. You made me have something to look forward to before your homecoming. I love you so very much. When you see me in October just remember; it's not fat, it's baby. LOL Our little bundle is growing so much every day.

I love you,


Friday, September 23, 2011

Deployment Day.

Well, yesterday we drove to Jon's post to see him off during a Deployment Ceremony. After that was over we went out to eat. As we were preparing to leave the restaurant our oldest daughter Brandi broke down. She said to me, "he was just gone three weeks and it felt like a lifetime, how are we supposed to make it a year without him?"

How do you answer that from a child?

All I could say is, " we'll make it through together and he'll be okay."

That didn't help her or me at all. All day today people have been telling me that everything will be okay, and that he is coming home. You know what I want to tell them? No everything isn't okay and we don't know if he will be able to come home. There are no guarantees at all. Every soldier that goes over there has a family member at home thinking everything will be okay and that their soldier will be home. Guess what it doesn't always happen to be the case for the soldiers. They don't always get to come home.

Jon and I have only had a short time together as it is, and it may be the only time I ever have with him. I hate that our government can take that away from us. Yes, it is the governments fault if Jon doesn't make it home. They ORDERED him to deploy there. Yes, I realize Jon was the one that signed up. He wanted to support OUR country. Not go over and fight and kill people.

Now I'm sure it seems like I don't support our military. Quite the opposite though. I support the military, I support our troops. I just do not support our GOVERNMENT ordering these troops and their families to make these year long sacrifices. By the time that Jon gets home he will have missed the following:

doctors visits
the birth of our baby
the first 4-6 months of his son or daughters life.

All because the US government decided to send our troops over to other countries to kill others. Even having gone over there and killed those that were responsible for 9/11, we are still there killing even more people. For what purpose?

Our country would be made safer by having all those troops here in the US protecting us here. I would certainly feel safer knowing there were 30,000+ troops here watching out for us.

I will continue standing behind my dear Jon. Because I love him. I will however never stand behind a government that uses our brave troops to murder people in other countries. To me that is no different than someone walking in the middle of the street and killing anyone that gets out in public.

How does that make us here in the US any different than those that come here and kill innocent people? It doesn't. Either way it is murder. I am not calling our troops murderers by any means. They are only doing their jobs.

I love Jon with all my heart. I will always stand by him in whatever he does. I am proud that he is standing up for the freedoms that we all hold near and dear.

The road to Jon coming home is going to be a long one filled with emptiness and sadness. It will also be filled with anger and pain. Yet it is a road that I must travel, because at the end of that road if I am lucky, my soldier will be back in my arms again where he belongs.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Where to Begin?

I wanted to get everyone caught up on where our relationship has gone since my last update. However, I beg your indulgence today. Today has been a very rough day. My loving soldier received his deployment orders on September 12th. This morning I had the very difficult task of delivering him to his post.

Three very upset children, and one very very upset mom. My day has been hell since we woke this morning. Yes, I knew this day was coming. As his orders were delayed for so long, we both had begun to hope that the orders wouldn't be coming at all. In the midst of trying to prepare for deployment for the first time, I also had the joy of finding out that I will be giving birth to my soldiers baby sometime in April.

I went from being sad to being thrilled and back to being heartbroken all in one day.At the same time though, I am also very proud of Jon for serving this country. He is helping to make our country safer for this little bundle of joy we created together. How could I ever fault him for that? I couldn't. Jon makes me proud of him every day. He stepped up to three children he didn't have to step up for. He goes off to fight in a war that I still have a hard time standing behind. Since learning that he is going to become a father again, he has been the most attentive man I have ever met.

Now don't take that wrong please. Jon has been amazingly attentive since day one. Not a day has gone by since we met that Jon doesn't make sure the girls and I are okay. He always makes sure that he spends time with all of us every day. He takes the girls places that they have never had the opportunity to go. He always makes sure that I know how much he cares about me and the girls.

This morning we woke at 2 a.m. Left the house at 3:15. Filled the van and truck with gas, and then hit the road. From our town to where he had to go was a two and a half hour drive. We always stop for breakfast before taking him to see him off. Jon had to be at post at 7:30 a.m. We got him there right on time. I was a total wreck the whole way. We spent an hour there, to be able to spend as much time as we could with him before he had to go.

By the time that we left him there at 9, there wasn't a dry eye in the bunch. The only thing that has helped me to try to calm down, is the fact that this Thursday I will be able to spend a few hours with him again. Thursday you see is his Deployment Ceremony. After the ceremony is over, we are supposed to be able to have a few hours with our soldiers. I pray they don't change that on us. From here he goes to yet another post in a different state. We were supposed to get to have four days there with our soldiers. We found out today that more than likely that has been cancelled.

I was looking forward to having that four days. So it's looking more that this Thursday will be the last chance I can see him until he comes home next year. Facing the next year and so many changes coming up for our family, I am devastated. The road to next year is long. My days will be filled with three girls and a pregnancy. The pregnancy alone will be a rough road I am sure. Being a high risk pregnancy is never easy. I am looking forward to meeting our baby, yet I also wish I could stay pregnant until Jon makes it home. I would give anything to be able to have him with me for the birth of our baby.

As he won't be making it home until sometime between September and November of next year, the chance of Jon being able to witness our baby's birth is very unlikely. My heart aches so badly for Jon because I know how much he is looking forward to having this baby. He was really hoping to be able to be with me for the delivery.

Jon, my dear sweet love. First of all, my apologies for being in tears so badly this morning. I really did try to keep dry eyes until I made it home again. You know me too well love. There was no way that I could even come close to holding the tears back.

Secondly love, I am so proud of you. I know that this deployment is hard on you as well. Hell even harder on you. I'm lucky enough that mom and dad are here with me and have gone through this with you before. You also are the one that will be away for the birth of our baby. I promise, if at all possible there will be video for you (made possible by C-Section) lol.

While you face this next year in harms way, please remember that I love you with every ounce of my soul. Our girls also want you to remember that they love you and are so happy you are in their lives. They said thank you for being the dad you didn't have to be.

I promise every day you are away won't be like today. I promise to keep my spirits up the best I can. And I promise to try my best to keep the tears to a minimum. I won't promise that there will be no more tears though. We both know that would be a promise I would not be able to keep. So I will just promise to do my best to stay positive.

I love you so completely my love.

Betty Johnson