Wednesday Nov. 23rd, 2011

I didn't write yesterday at all. I have not been feeling very good the last two days. Well really it's been more like a few weeks but; the last two days has been impossible. Between dealing with emotional issues that you all are aware of already and; having a medical problem that is becoming more of a problem I have been downright miserable.

Let me explain just a little here. I have MS- Multiple Sclerosis. For those that don't know what MS is let me help explain. MS is an autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. It affects women more so than men. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 20 and 40.

Here is a link where you can learn more about MS-
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001747/

Just a few of the symptoms that I have been suffering from lately include:
Loss of Balance
Muscles Spasms
Pain and Numbness in arms and legs
Problems getting my Legs to move in the mornings
Feeling like my hands and feet are on fire
Memory Loss
Dizziness
So Sleepy it isn't funny.




The problem with the sleepiness is that I am sleepy as all get out in the afternoons, but by late evening I am wide awake and can't get to sleep. The later in the evening the more I have problems with the pain in my hands and feet. Early mornings (which would be mid morning to most of you) is when I have trouble feeling my legs at all. It is almost impossible to get my legs to move when I wake up. Yesterday it took me over and hour and a half to just be able to swing my legs over the edge of the bed.

Two years ago I was told I had MS. The trouble at that time was that I didn't have the brain lesions that they look for through MRI. So officially I STILL do not have the actual diagnosis of MS. The doctor told me it was MS, I have so many of the symptoms. It is progressing quickly. He told me that I would more than likely end up in a wheelchair in a year. That was two years ago. I'm still walking on my own so far. Although some days it is more of a chore than others. Some days I just want to stay curled up in bed and not move at all. Some days I can't move.

Tonight it's my legs causing the most pain. My hands feel numb but not really painful right now. The pain does make it difficult to be able to  write like I want  to. Even typing can and does at times cause my hands to feel like someone is trying to cut them off.

I have the abnormal nerve tests, yet they haven't officially given me the MS diagnosis in writing yet.
I was on benzodiazepine two years ago. It helped some. I have not been on anything in the last year and I can tell it more every day.

I'm not one to complain about every little pain. Most people can tell you I don't usually tell anyone when I am hurting at all. I try to keep that pain from being noticed because I have kids that don't need to have to worry about mom. Most days I am pretty good about keeping a pain free face on. The last few days though it is getting harder to do. It has taken all I can do just to get out of bed. Walking has been a huge chore.

So why did I chose to talk about this tonight on my blog? I have a reason; my sweet Jon has seen me during one of the worst attacks I have ever had. It was horrible, I couldn't hardly move at all. It took all I had in me to get my legs to move. He was the sweetest man that evening. He did everything he could to make me comfortable. He was genuinely concerned about me. That attack happened days after we met. The only reason he knew about it was because we were together at the time that it hit me.

We had been out at the local fair. We had just watched part of the truck pulls. After everything was finished that evening he needed to help his dad with the cleanup of the concession stand. He knew I was hurting very badly; so he took me to our hotel room that we had gotten for some much needed alone time before he had to leave on training.

Once he got me to our room he helped me get into bed got my medication and put my phone close to me. He headed back over to help his dad. He only stuck around with his dad maybe twenty minutes and then rushed back over to me. He worried all night. I asked him that night if he was sure he could handle being with someone that was going to be completely dependent on him for everything before long.

He looked me in the eyes and told me that he didn't care what I had or how much time I had left that I would be able to do for myself. He loved me and he would be there to help me through whatever life handed to me.

I knew I was in love with him before that night. That night showed me that no matter what we would face in the future, I didn't need to worry about Jon leaving my side. Any one that can see what he saw that night and swear that he would always be there through every pain; is someone that should be loved like there is no tomorrow. I cherish that man so deeply. He is stronger than I could ever be. Would I stand by someone that I had only just met after seeing something like Jon saw? Before meeting Jon I would have said no; now though it doesn't matter what Jon would ever face. I will be right there by his side for everything. I may be  in a wheelchair at a point when he may need me; but I will be right there for him.

I love Jon with every fiber of my soul. And I know without a doubt that he loves me just as deeply.

Jon,

No matter what we face in this life, together we can face it all. I love you thank you for standing beside me. Thank you for holding me in your arms when I can't stand  to be alone. Thank you for being there to pick me up when I need you. Thank you for your understanding with everything that I go through.Thank you for loving me the way that you do.

You are my combat boot, cowboy hat wearing knight in shining armor. I found this online and thought it to be so you that I had to share it with you.



A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Author: Anonymous

In this world full of hurt and pain,
I need someone who would help me through the rain.
To comfort me when Im sad,
Doing everything just to make me glad.

In this world I need a Brave Knight,
Who would never give up any fight.
A knight who would dry away my tears,
Telling me to overcome my fears.

A knight who loves me for who I am inside,
With him there's nothing more I need to hide.
A person who will still be standing strong,
Even though everything has gone wrong.

I need someone who is willing to give me more,
Someone I can call my Knight In Shining Armor.

I love you my love




The poem was gotten from this site:
http://www.1lovepoems.com/pa31.shtml