Monday, November 7, 2011

Monday Nov. 7th, 2011

Short night tonight.

Today has been the worst day of my life. This morning after 11 weeks of being so happy to be blessed with twins, I lost both babies. I woke up to heavy cramping and bleeding. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't know what happened. I was more careful than I have ever been while pregnant.

This evening I had the horrible job of telling Jon that I had failed as a pregnant mom. How do you tell someone something that you know is going to break their heart? Especially when that person is thousands of miles away. There was no easy way of telling him. My heart feels like it was blown up. I know that Jon is worried about me, I'm not handling this miscarriage very well. I'm more scared for Jon now though. He is having to deal with the news while he is way away from home.

I know that this is killing him inside because he wanted those babies so much. He was ecstatic from the day we found out I was pregnant. When we found out twins, he was so excited. And now, I had to break his heart. How do I live with that? I failed at one of the simplest things in the world, carrying babies to term. Why does this happen? In today's technological world, why do miscarriages still happen? Why can't they be prevented? Why do parents have to go through this? Why does this keep happening to me?

All I ever wanted was to be a mom. After I had my first daughter, all I wanted left in the world was to have a son. I have four wonderful daughters now. I am blessed I know.I would have given anything to have had a son. Now though, I can not go through one more heartbreak. I can not put myself in a place that this can happen again. Part of me dies every time. I don't have many more parts left. My heart is tired of pain. I don't want to go through this again.

Jon,

I'm sorry. I promise I tried to be very careful. I wanted our babies. I would have given anything not to have had to put you through this. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to tell you while you were there. But how could I not tell you? I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let the family down. But I'm even more sorry that there are two little babies that won't get to know what its like to have you love them.

I'm sorry

5 comments:

Lea Johnson said...

Mom this is not you fault. Do not blame yourself. Dad knows you tried. We all know that. We knew it was a big chance of this. I love you mom If you need anything just tell us. We will help. I love you!

Faith Rose said...

What happened today had nothing to do with what you did or did not do while pregnant. We still love you very much, you failed no one. You are a wonderful mom, and, if it was meant to be for you to have another lucky child, you will be pregnant again.

I love you mom.

Faith Rose said...

You didnt do it, and what do you mean it wont happen again? We never know, i hope you get pregnant again though, your such a great mom, you deserve all the babies you want.

Lea Johnson said...

Mom you don't mean it wont happen again right? Yes it has been hard but. Not as hard for us than it is for you. I love you and wish today never happened but we cant change things. I love you.

I'm Jessica said...

I'm so sorry :(

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