Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stand Beside Our Soldiers 11/29/11

This week has gone a little easier than the previous weeks have. That is in part to the fact that I am trying to get past where my head has been stuck. I won't apologize for how I have felt since the loss of our twins. I will however apologize for  how I made others feel because of my feelings.

This week I have begun the long process of trying to figure out where I fit into this whole military life. With not being "legally" married to Jon, I don't fit into the category of "family". Yeah um okay whatever. Yes the military has their own rules and regulations. However they need to step up and realize that "family" involves more than parents, spouses, and kids. Family includes; girlfriends, fiancee's, grandparents and the list goes on and on.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Missing My Man

There isn't a lot to post about today. It's been a dreadful day. Nasty rainy and cold. Spent the biggest part of my day in bed. Rain and cold = pain.

Knowing that the Holidays are coming quickly and my soldier will be overseas also makes for a long and lonely winter. Knowing that he has it thousands of times worse than I do makes me wanna cry. Jon deserves the best and I know he doesn't get it over there. That makes me sad beyond words.

Knowing that our girls will be so excited about Christmas and yet also sad that their dad isn't here, breaks my heart. Jon is a terrific dad and our girls love him so much. We know he loves them too and that is the part that makes this whole situation so sad. He deserves to be able to be here with the girls and they deserve to have their dad here with them. We know he wants to be here but can't be right now. And that alone makes this even harder.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Operation Help a Soldier-- Special Post

As my husband is away longer every day; I am trying to find something, anything really to keep my mind from worrying so much. It's not an easy task. I enjoy researching things online. I seem for whatever reason to have the ability to find out a lot of information online. Locating things that we as a Nation can do to help show our support to our troops; is something that I find very rewarding.

Our troops deserve not only our support but our admiration for their sacrifices. Have you ever seen a service member in your town; and just walked up to them and said thank you? You would be surprised what that small little gesture really means to our troops. It lets them know that what they do for us every day is appreciated and not forgotten.

Saturday Nov. 26th, 2011

I've been sitting here thinking about what I wanted this blog to be about. Then I remembered the conversation that I had today that had a profound effect on me.

Miscarriages and what causes them.

I still have no clue what has cause me to miscarry 14 times in twenty years. The likelihood that I will ever know is slim. Having a conversation about pregnancy and the chance of yet another recurrent miscarriage made me stop and think just how many women do lose a pregnancy. So I went in search of answers. Unfortunately there really is no clear answers.

Some doctors believe that a Chromosome abnormality is a high cause of early miscarriages. Some believe that that abnormality is the cause of more than 50% of first trimester miscarriages. That seems like a very high number to me. Why isn't there testing to make sure that Chromosomes aren't causing a couple to lose their babies? Some studies say that the rate of chromosome abnormalities in women age 35 and older may be the cause of closer to 75% of miscarriages in women that have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Wednesday Nov. 23rd, 2011

I didn't write yesterday at all. I have not been feeling very good the last two days. Well really it's been more like a few weeks but; the last two days has been impossible. Between dealing with emotional issues that you all are aware of already and; having a medical problem that is becoming more of a problem I have been downright miserable.

Let me explain just a little here. I have MS- Multiple Sclerosis. For those that don't know what MS is let me help explain. MS is an autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. It affects women more so than men. It is usually diagnosed between the ages of 20 and 40.

Here is a link where you can learn more about MS-

Just a few of the symptoms that I have been suffering from lately include:
Loss of Balance
Muscles Spasms
Pain and Numbness in arms and legs
Problems getting my Legs to move in the mornings
Feeling like my hands and feet are on fire
Memory Loss
So Sleepy it isn't funny.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Monday Nov. 21st, 2011

The days just seem to keep getting harder instead of easier. I don't know how much more I can take right now. My nerves are shot. My heart can't take much more heartache. Each day that moves me forward also seems to knock me back a few steps. When does it start to get easier?

This morning started out about normal. I knew that I had a doctors appointment today so I got ready and left. The doctor that I went to see was my old doctor. I was supposed to see a new lady but she was called out of the office so my old doctor took my appointment time for her.

The lab tests came back on twin B today. Unfortunately there wasn't much that the test proved. They proved that there was no abnormal defects in little Haylee. The tests couldn't determine what caused her heart to stop or if it had stopped prior to the miscarriage. There was no reason physically for the miscarriage to have happened.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunday Nov. 20th, 2011

Every little girl has a dream of what her wedding will be. She envisions what every detail will look like. She can tell you what her groom looks like in her eyes. She can tell you every detail of the wedding. From the dress she will wear to the colors she will choose to what the cake looks like. She knows how she wants every part of her dream day. A fairy tale wedding of her dreams. To be that princess at least for the day.

I've been married more times than I care to admit. Not once until now have I ever married because I loved the person. The wedding ceremony never matter to me before now. I didn't ever care where I would get married. I never cared about any details. All I wanted to do was get it over with. Until now.

I finally found the man that I had dreamed of when I was a little girl. All of those little details that I dreamed about now matter. This is the marriage that I know I will spend the rest of my life being thankful for. This is the marriage that matters to me. I have never been so happy in my life. I have never felt so complete.

So some of you may know that Jon and I are not yet married. I consider him my husband without hesitation. I love him with every thing that I am. We weren't able to have our wedding before he deployed. We wanted to but circumstances prevented that from happening at the time. Now circumstances are finally changing and we will have the wedding that I have always wanted.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Saturday Nov. 19th, 2011

Well today I began working on a new book. Yes! Another book. I know what you are thinking, why another new book? Why don't you just take one of the five or so that you have already got started and actually finish one of them? Well there in lies my problem. I wasn't in the mood to work on one of those books. LOL

Yes I know I am insane. It's okay so is my family!

This new book is going better than most of the other five did. I have only been working on the book for about four hours. Now out of that four hours you have to take away the times that I went out to smoke. You also have to take into account that during that time I was also installing a new Hallmark card program that took thirty five minutes. then there was about another half an hour that I went to the front of the house to talk with Mom and the girls.

So out of four hours they may have been about two and a half of actual writing time. With that all being said, I have 4,171 words written! I am enjoying writing this book. It's funny because I was just browsing online when I decided that I had a story to tell and began writing it.

So I am cutting this blog short tonight so that I can keep my mind on the book. I don't want to get the words from the book confused with this blog tonight.


Friday Nov. 18th, 2011

I know that my darling husband will be reading this blog tonight after work. So tonight my blog is to him.

When you and I met July 4th, something about that day made me feel like a teenager again. As I got home that night I couldn't believe that I was acting so childish. Why did a man that I knew little about excite me so much? Nonetheless I felt unbelievably excited when you responded to me on Facebook and then to text.

When we set up to see one another the next day to go out to the lake, I literally had butterflies. I hoped that you agreed because there was something about me that you liked as well. I hoped that you didn't agree just because you wanted something to do.

It felt so right just sitting out there talking to you. I enjoyed getting to know you. By the time that we left there that evening, I knew that you were someone that I wanted to get to know even better. Going home that evening was strange.I was excited yet nervous as all get out. I talked to the kids about you coming over later that night. The girls seemed okay with it, none of them acted upset. Rose had a few questions but, I just explained that you and I wanted to get to know each other better and the only way to do that was for us to have time to sit and talk. She seemed okay with you coming over after that talk.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Special Post Nov.17th, 2011

As a family of a soldier I can tell you that I have begun to pray a lot. I need all the strength I can find to get through this deployment. I need all the prayers I can find in me to find that strength. I have to once again be mom and dad to the girls, I once again have to get through the next year of my life as a single mom. Now don't take that wrong, in no way am I saying I'm single. I'm not, I am very happily married to the greatest man in the world.

With your husband overseas away from your family, you have to somehow step up and be two parents. You have to step up and learn to live without the other half of your heart. I don't have a clue how to do that. I don't want to do that either.

I find ways to keep Jon in my families every thought. Now that doesn't mean that he isn't in our every thought. It just means that no matter what we are doing I want Jon to be in the thought at that moment. I believe that is how we can get through this. I believe that keeping Jon in every second of our family's time will keep him in close contact with us.

When I sit and think about him, I can feel him here with me. When I lay my head down at last every day, I can feel his arms wrap around me. I believe that is because he is never out of my mind. No matter what I am doing, I talk to Jon. It may sound strange, but Jon and I always talk about everything together. Even with him being away from home right now, I want Jon to know everything that is going on. So I talk to him, walking through the store or driving down the road.

It's my way of keeping him close to me. Another thing that I do, is I sit and look over all the photos we had taken in the two months before he left. Those photos help me to talk to him too. It's easy to just talk when you are looking him in the eyes. Those eyes make me fall in love all over again. I can truly see his soul through his eyes. And that means more to me than I ever thought possible.

I play around in PSP (Paint Shop Pro) a lot. I have gotten where I take our family photos and see what I can do with them. Tonight I made one that I know will help me in getting through these next months. I wanted to share that photo here.

Jon, my loving husband. Dad to our three girls.

This photo just screams prayers to me. I can tell you, I certainly do feel his love for me. He is such an amazingly loving man. I know he worries about us here at home. I wanted him to know, we are okay. It is difficult having him so far from home, but we are survivors. We will make it through. We know our rock is coming home as soon as he can. That gets us through each day. We feel your love baby. I hope you can feel ours too.

Later love,


Thursday Nov. 17th, 2011

Being the wife of a soldier is a long and difficult road. It's a life full of uncertainty, fears, sadness, and loneliness.  One minute you are so happy to be hearing your soldiers voice and in the next instant you are in tears because he has to say "later".

In my family we don't say goodbye at the end of our communications. Goodbye is too final. So instead we just say later, or we'll talk later. For me it's because I can't say goodbye. Goodbye means there isn't a later.

When my sweet Jon had to go for his training times, I refused to say goodbye. I felt like if I did use that word, that I wouldn't see Jon again. I explained one night to Jon that I just couldn't say bye. Since then we say later every time we are about to leave the conversation.

I count myself as a lucky wife. Jon has had contact with me every day since he has been gone except one. He would have that day but it was a day of travel. Not every soldier is able to stay in communication with their loved one as often as others.

I know that we too will have days and weeks without communications. Those are the days of this deployment that I do not look forward to. How does a wife get through the not knowing and being scared every time that the phone rings or there's a knock at the door? I don't know but I do know that we get through it somehow. We have to right, if we didn't there wouldn't be so many wives of soldiers.

I know I am not the only woman that is going through these same emotions right now. I know I'm not the first to have to deal with a deployment. Hell there are women that have gone through many many deployments with their loved ones. They are very strong women, because I don't know that I could handle more than one.

I believe that God only gives us what we can handle, but I also believe that God tests how much we can handle. I have been tested many times, I guess I have handled more than I thought was possible. God brought Jon into my life, there is NO other way to explain it. Yes we were in the right place at the right time. But who brought us there at that time in that place?

I don't believe that God would have brought Jon into my life and our daughters lives only to take him away from us so soon. So with that in mind, I know that God is going to bring Jon home to us as well.

I don't normally go into discussion about how I feel regarding God or other religious beliefs. And I apologize now if anyone takes offense to my blog post today. To get me through this deployment I have to believe in a higher power. I have to believe that someone is watching over our troops, keeping them safe.

As the Holidays are getting closer and Jon and other troops are getting more involved in their duties, we stop to remember that we will not always be able to have contact but it only means he is busy with his job. We stop and remember to be thankful for what we have now, we have our family; we have our freedom. We have freedom thanks to our troops that sacrifice their comfort, their family time, and for far too many, their lives.

My family and I will not forget the many sacrifices that are made every day to protect our freedom. We will remember that freedom isn't free, it's paid for by men and women that sacrifice every day. We will keep in our prayers not only our troops but, their families and loved ones that also sacrifice every day.

To all of the men and women both overseas and here at home, thank you from my family to yours for what you give to us every day. The freedom to sit and worry about our loved ones that are giving yet another family their freedom.

My loving husband,

Thank you my love. I know what you have sacrificed to be where you are doing what you are doing. You and every troop member there, have my appreciation and my gratitude. You are all over there protecting our daughters rights and their freedom. For that love, you have my undying love.

I won't lie and say it's not hard to have you away from us. That would be a huge lie. I will say though that no matter how hard it is, we will survive this deployment together. There isn't anything that we can not overcome, as long as we face it together.

I know having a family has been a new change. It's also what will bring you home. I hope that in some small way, you can feel our love for you from there. Thank you love, for everything you have so unselfishly given the girls and I. You gave us the one thing all four of us needed, love. I can tell you that we have felt that love every second since you gave it.

I love you my love,



Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wednesday Nov. 16th, 2011

There are some people in this world that were given a gift. They are able to see things that most people don't have the ability to see. Some would call that a gift, I used to think it was too. There are times when you see awful things that you don't want to be able to see.

I've known two people in my life that have had this ability. One is a very dear friend of mine. She is awesome with her ability, she even works with her local law enforcement to help solve cases of missing people. The other person I know pretty well also. She has never worked with law enforcement and she doesn't let many people know of her ability.

For the most part she tries her best to not use that ability at all. For her, the fact that she tries to ignore the gift seems to work for the most part. Although there are times when she will see something that hits too close to home for her.

I've always wondered how these gifted people deal with seeing something that affects their lives. If for example they see something that has to do with a loved one, how do they cope? Do they tell the person that it is going to affect? What do you tell them? What if they have seen their loved one die? Do you question how true your interpretation is? Do you hold back the information in hopes that you are seeing things wrong?

I know not everyone believes in things such as this. I however do, I've seen for myself how accurate some of the things these people see really is. I think in part though it depends on how well they are able to figure out what they are being shown. I would be scared to death to share something if I wasn't sure without a doubt that I was able to understand what I saw.

When these people do share with others what they have seen, do they tell them they might very well be wrong in how they saw it? Do they go into detail about what they saw exactly? Is there really anything that could be done to prevent whatever they saw from happening?

From what I have learned about this type of thing over the years, not everyone has learned to decipher the images they see correctly. There are those that have learned very well how to figure out the images and their meanings.

So if you as a person that can see things, and you see something about your loved one do you tell that loved one? If you do tell them, how much do you tell them? How do you cope if you have been shown how that person is going to die and when it will happen?

I know for me, if that were the case I would shut down. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, all I would do is sit around bawling my eyes out.

Another thing is, how do you explain why you can see some things and yet not see other things? How can you see things that affect one loved one yet not another loved one?

I know I will be getting a lot of email telling me I'm crazy for believing in any of this type of thing. That's okay I have been called crazy for years. At this point in my life I know I am crazy, I've had a lot of things that have happened to me over the years that have made me that way.

My recent troubles with my life and things that have gone on have led me to question things such as this post. How can someone see the death of one loved one yet not the death of another loved one? If you can see it, can it be prevented if it hasn't happened yet?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Tuesday Nov 15th, 2011

I took the day off from blogging yesterday. I needed the day to myself. I spent the day unpacking from my recent trip, getting laundry done, and just having time to sit back and think. It was a long day. It was one of those days that had Jon been here with me I would have felt so much better.I did get a lot done though, and spent time to myself which I badly needed.

Today was not such a great day though. I had a lot of things I had to get accomplished. I managed to get everything that was of importance finished. My last stop for today took a lot out of me. There was a lady in the place that was holding a small baby. Someone asked her how old the baby was, one week old born last Monday. I was standing there listening in a strange way. I started bawling when she said that her daughter Annisa was born on Monday.I grabbed what I was there to get and ran out of the building.

I don't know how I am supposed to live with the fact that my babies won't ever get the chance to be born. I won't ever get the chance to proudly tell people that the twins are a week old, or how much they weighed. I won't ever get the chance to see Jon talking to them or playing with them.

I feel like an idiot for running from the store the way I did, at the time I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It's been just over a week ago now that I lost our babies, it's not getting any easier. I have moments where it doesn't cross my mind, then all of a sudden something makes it hit me. I'm tired of the pain every day, every minute of  the day.

I'm tired of having to be so strong when all I want to do is have my breakdown. All I want to do is have my babies back where they are supposed to be right now, growing inside of me until their birth date. My sweet Jon was supposed to try to get his leave for the births. We had so many things we were going to do during his leave. Now it just seems like there isn't really a reason to take the leave. Of course there's the fact that I will get to see him for a short time, which is awesome in itself. Only then, I will once again have to let go for him to finish his time away.

Why in the good lord's name can't he just be allowed to come home? Our children died, Jon is needed at home. I need him here with me, I don't know how to get through any of this without him. I know he is doing what he has to do. I know he has no choice but to be there. I know if he could be he would be here at home right now. That makes it even harder to deal with this, because I know he is worried about me. I don't want to make his job harder on him. This situation is hard enough on both of us without him feeling bad about not being able to be here.

I don't blame him for not being here, I blame bad timing and my body for letting me down. I blame myself for not being woman enough to carry our babies to term. Jon keeps apologizing to me, it's so not his fault. It's mine. It was my body that rejected the twins, it was me that couldn't do what as a woman I was made to do.

Enough of this for now, I need a good long cry right now.


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Sunday Nov. 13th, 2011

Tonight is a short night because I have a few things to get finished before trying to get some sleep.

As much as what this last week has been difficult, today for the most part wasn't too bad. My stomach pain is finally starting to subside somewhat anyway. The tears were still there albeit not nearly as severe. Now it is raining which makes for a long night. I can never sleep when it storms and it sounds as though we may get some minor ones tonight.

I've been busy working on finding the perfect gifts for our girls for Christmas. Jon is so excited! The girls are going to have the best Christmas they have ever had. I look forward to seeing their faces when they see what their dad has in store for them.

I have other writing to do tonight so I need to keep this short.


I love you sweetheart, stay safe. Everyday that you are away from us here at home, please remember that our hearts are with you always. We look forward to seeing you safely home. I love you with all of my heart.

Your wife,

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Saturday Nov. 12th, 2011

I feel like I am losing my mind. All I do is sit here on my bed crying all day and night. I sleep only when I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. All I think about is Jon being gone and my babies deaths. I wake up from sleep seeing the pictures of those little babies in my head.  I don't want to see those anymore. No matter what I try to think about, the only thing that stays in my head is my first baby and how little he/she was. And the fact that my second little baby had no heartbeat left and was nothing bigger than a large blood clot.

Those pictures just won't go away. I keep replaying all day long how I lost them and how the nurse picked up the first baby and ran inside. I can't stop crying. I don't want to talk to any one, I just want to be by myself. Every time some one talks to me I just feel like punching them out. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay. No I'm not okay, I'm heartbroken and I feel like I died inside.

I'm sick to death of everyone looking at me like I've got the plague. I know they are upset about me losing the babies. They were MY babies, no one gets the fact that I just had two babies die. Not only did they die but, they died a horrible death. They didn't deserve to be ripped out of me that way. They deserved to live, they had the right to be born. They had the right to grow up to be something special. they deserved to be loved and cared for.

I know people think they are helping me to not think about the twins. In reality though, they are making it that much harder. Those pictures in my head won't leave, they are there eating away at what is left of my sanity. The bad part is I can feel myself slipping further into this black hole that won't let me out. Truth be told, the black space lets me have one thing, silence.

I sit here in my room, thinking about the babies almost every second in one way or another. Some thoughts are about the babies and Jon. Like why Jon has to pay for me being a failure. Or how terrific Jon would have been as a daddy.

I need to know if we were having boys or girls. I need to be able to try to put names to those tiny little babies. Was the first one I lost outside the hospital Jonathan Jr or was it Haylee Dawn? Which one of my sweet babies did I lose right there as I was walking up to the hospital?

Over and over again all I see is my poor helpless babies being ripped out of me like they were some foreign thing invading a foreign country. Why did that have to happen to them? Why did my body reject those innocent babies? Why will Jon and I never be able to hold our precious bundles like we should have been able to?

Why can't I do just this one thing right? Why does it feel like I am slipping further into that black hole that I can't get out of? Why do I even care if I can get out of it? Why can't I have my babies back? Why do I have to go through all of this alone? Why can't Jon be here with me right now? Why am I being so selfish? Jon has a job to do I know that, but damn it I NEED him here. I do need him, Jon keeps me sane. Right now he is the only one that can even come close to understanding what I am going through. He lost those babies just as I did.

It's not fair that I have to face this all alone here. It's not fair that Jon is facing all of this alone overseas. None of this is fair. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to last week. A time when my babies were safely tucked in my tummy where they belong. A time when I was laying in Jon's arms where I belong. A time when everything was right in my world.

Why do I have to go through this again? Alone. Yes I have my girls around and Jon's parents too. As much as they all want to help me through this, they can't even begin to understand. I love them I really do but, I need Jon.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Friday Nov. 11th, 2011

Today is the first time since this deployment began that I haven't heard from my husband. It sucks. I knew that there were going to be many days like this though. I know that this is just the first of many days I won't hear from him. I refuse to let my overactive imagination run away from me though. He is only busy with work. Silence doesn't mean anything is wrong, it only means he is really busy.

I'm not looking forward to a long deployment. I know that it is going to be very rough. Right now is even more so for me though. I'm trying my best to deal with Jon being gone from home, dealing with the girls, and dealing with the loss of our twins. It all seems to much right now. I would give anything to have my rock here beside me; holding me in his arms like he always does. Jon is not just my rock, he is the one person in my life I have always known that I can count on to be there for me no matter what I am going through.

This deployment has gotten in the way of that. Jon isn't able to be here right now although in his heart he is. I can feel his love every time that he calls or we Skype. I know without a doubt that his heart and mind are here with me as I cope with the loss of our babies. I don't know how so many families deal with the separation that deployment brings. Jon always tells me that I am strong, if only he knew how wrong that statement is. I am not strong, I can put on a good front most days. In reality though I am a crumbling mess. My heart is saddened. I feel alone and empty right now. Not only Jon being overseas, but the loss of our angels it all comes together to make me feel so lost.

I've been receiving e-mails from readers telling me to get over it. That I am just milking the situation for pity. Hello? Are you kidding me? Have any of you that have emailed ever lost a child due to a miscarriage? Let me tell you something, it is no different than your child dying. Jon and I lost our twins, they died. You tell me what is a good time frame for grieving the death of a child? Who are you to tell me to get over it?

If you don't like what I post about, get OFF my blog. I post about my feelings, if you can't understand my feelings you shouldn't be here. I will not apologize for mourning the death of two little angels. I lost our twins less than a week ago. I loved those babies with everything I have, they were a blessing that Jon and I were both so happy to have been given. They were loved and wanted. They are missed by many.

If I continue to receive those types of emails I will be taking a leave from blogging until I feel I can blog without expressing my feelings over the loss of our babies. Right now this blog is my way of trying to deal with the loss in a way that isn't harmful to my spirit. I need to be able to vent about having two little lives taken from me.

Jon my love,

I know that this has been hard on you with you being where you are. I wish that I could take that pain away for you. I wish that I could be there to help you through this horrible time. I love you with all my heart love. Stay safe and know that my heart is there with you.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thurs. Nov. 10th, 2011

You know the old saying "Momma said there be days like this"? I think Mom may have sugar coated it compared to this day. She never told me that I would feel like my heart was ripped from my body. She never said that while being extremely upset about the death of two babies, that I would also be livid about not having their dad home with me.

I know Jon would be here if he could be, hell we tried everything we could to get him home now. My doctor (if I can call him that) ruined Jon coming home to be with me through this. The doctor decided that my case was not an emergency case and refused to tell the Red Cross that Jon was needed at home. Since he refused to say those things, Jon won't be given an emergency leave.

We need him here. I need him here, Jon is the one thing that keeps me sane. I don't have a clue how I am going to live with the loss of our babies without Jon here with me. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now. I've always been good at messing up my life. Growing up mom always told me I was the biggest screw up. I have lived my life trying to prove that theory wrong. All I managed to do was prove it right in some aspects.

To the best of my knowledge no one on either side of my family ever lost a pregnancy let alone as many as I have. I guess that just goes to show, I am a failure at even the most simple things.

I am blessed and believe me I know how blessed I am to have the girls I have. I am proud to be their mom. They are super great kids. I'm 37 years old, in the past 10 years I have had three miscarriages. Since the birth of my last daughter in 2001 I have not used birth control in the last seven years. Yet I haven't been able to carry a pregnancy to term since she was born.

I am more than saddened by the fact that I can not for whatever reason have another baby. I would love to be able to carry a baby of Jon's to term. The reality that I will never be able to carry another baby in my arms has hit home. Why? Why can't I do something that for most women is so simple? I don't think I have failed at being a mom. The girls have matured as young ladies very nicely. They are smart, kind, funny, wonderful young women.

Everyone keeps telling me that I didn't let anyone down.They are wrong, I let myself down. I wanted those babies with every ounce of my soul. I would give anything in this world to have them growing where they belong right now. I let them down as well, they don't get the chance to live their lives now because of me. If they had a different mom their little lives would still be growing.

I wish I could have them back. Back where they belong, waiting and growing until the day they were to be born. Back in our lives so that they could be in our arms where they should be. For some reason they were taken from us. I wish I could understand why but, I don't have a clue where things went so wrong. Being a mom means everything to me, it has always been the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life. I wish that part of my life wasn't over but, it has shown me that it is.

I will always be heart broken for the loss of two  precious angels that we didn't get the chance to know. I'll always be mortified that I wasn't able to give Jon the gift of those angels. One day my heart may heal, that day won't be here for a very long time.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Wed. Nov 9th, 2011

Today started out okay I guess. I was trying to put one foot in front of the other and just get through it. Then the mail ran. My dear Jon had signed up for some baby things a while back. Today a mail order catalog came in from the place he had signed up. It was nothing but baby items in the catalog. I lost it.

I love that Jon had thought so much about having twins that he had signed up for those things. The catalog just came at a bad time. I don't know how long it will take to get over the shock of losing those babies. Everything had been going so well. The doctor was happy with how well things were going. I hadn't had any problems or complications, right up until the morning I lost both babies.

I guess that's part of why it hurts so much. I was progressing really good. Babies were growing, and I was gaining weight. Which I might add I never have done before while pregnant. I didn't have one little thing that would have made me wonder if I would get to term.  I just don't understand what went wrong. Why did this have to happen? Why were our babies taken away so horribly? Why can't I give Jon the baby (babies) that he most definitely wanted?

Jon keeps telling me I didn't let anyone down. He's wrong, I let myself down. I hear the disappointment in his voice, it may not be with me. He is disappointed though. Hell I am too. When I first thought I was pregnant, I kept telling him not to get his hopes up. Guess what? I got my hopes up instead. When the test turned out positive, I was so happy. I wanted to be able to give Jon a child that he would be able to raise from day one on. I wanted us to have a child together.

Jon understands why I said I can't  go through that again. Sure maybe things would turn out good and there would be a baby to love forever. But there is also a very real chance that I would fail at staying pregnant again. That is what I can't go through again.

I have seen so many doctors, no one knows why I have such a hard time carrying babies. There has to be something that keeps causing miscarriage after miscarriage.

At this point it doesn't matter the reason. Jon and I agree that I can't be in that place again. There will be no further chances, I will be getting a tubal sometime this coming year.

I am so out of it right now from what's happened that I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone for the most part. Thankfully my family has understood that, and leave me to myself. All I want to do is stay curled up in bed and cry. My heart hurts so bad. I feel so empty.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tuesday Nov. 8th, 2011

Today has been difficult to say the least. It started out at 6 a.m. Jon called me to see how things were. I called my doctor last night to see if he would speak to the Red Cross about bringing Jon home. Our soldiers can come home if there is an emergency in their family. I think losing twins qualifies for that emergency leave. I need Jon here right now. I have called the doctor twice today. He says that he called and talked to the Red Cross. So I guess Jon's coming home on emergency leave is now up to them in a way.

They have to do their part to notify Jon's superiors. Then they have to decide if they are going to let Jon have the leave. I don't know if any of them have ever lost a pregnancy before or not. But I have. It is the worst hell I have ever gone through.

The physical pain of losing a baby is bad enough. I would rather give birth without any pain meds than lose a baby to miscarriage. Besides the physical pain there is a whole lifetime of emotional pain you go through. I have been questioning the why's of course. Why were our babies taken? Why did I lose them? Why can't I seem to do something that is so damn easy? Why does Jon have to suffer because of my shortcomings as a woman? He doesn't deserve to be going through this.

Along with the questions about why, there is also a whole side to miscarriage that most people don't think about. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy, it is the death of the child. Or in this case the death of two innocent babies. We may not have had the chance to see them or hold them. But we most certainly had the chance to love them. From the very day that we found out that we were pregnant we loved them.

I don't understand why this happens. I don't understand how some people want children to their very soul and can't have them. While other people don't want kids and have them without a problem. While still others can have child after child without caring how many they have.

Tonight I read where the Duggars are once again pregnant. This makes child number 20 for them. It breaks my heart. Don't take that wrong I am happy they are able to have children, they certainly love them and take care of them. The stories you read in the paper or hear about on television of another parent that has killed their child, break my heart. There are so many people that would love to take those children and give them the love they deserve.

Jon is such a loving man, he loves kids. Hell he is one in a lot of ways. That is one of the many things I love about him. He is a kid at heart which makes him amazing when it comes to interacting with kids. He would have been the most wonderful dad in the world to our twins. I know that he would have loved them with everything he has. He loved them so much for the short time that they were in our lives.

I feel like I let him down. He says I didn't but I can hear the disappointment in his voice when he talks to me. I know the miscarriage didn't change how he feels about me. I know that he loves me still. But I also know that he wanted those babies more than even he admitted. I wish that I could have given him that. He has given me so much, and I couldn't do this one thing for him. I failed at that.  I will never forgive myself for taking that away from Jon. He didn't deserve to be hurt so badly. For that I am sorry.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Monday Nov. 7th, 2011

Short night tonight.

Today has been the worst day of my life. This morning after 11 weeks of being so happy to be blessed with twins, I lost both babies. I woke up to heavy cramping and bleeding. It was the worst feeling ever. I don't know what happened. I was more careful than I have ever been while pregnant.

This evening I had the horrible job of telling Jon that I had failed as a pregnant mom. How do you tell someone something that you know is going to break their heart? Especially when that person is thousands of miles away. There was no easy way of telling him. My heart feels like it was blown up. I know that Jon is worried about me, I'm not handling this miscarriage very well. I'm more scared for Jon now though. He is having to deal with the news while he is way away from home.

I know that this is killing him inside because he wanted those babies so much. He was ecstatic from the day we found out I was pregnant. When we found out twins, he was so excited. And now, I had to break his heart. How do I live with that? I failed at one of the simplest things in the world, carrying babies to term. Why does this happen? In today's technological world, why do miscarriages still happen? Why can't they be prevented? Why do parents have to go through this? Why does this keep happening to me?

All I ever wanted was to be a mom. After I had my first daughter, all I wanted left in the world was to have a son. I have four wonderful daughters now. I am blessed I know.I would have given anything to have had a son. Now though, I can not go through one more heartbreak. I can not put myself in a place that this can happen again. Part of me dies every time. I don't have many more parts left. My heart is tired of pain. I don't want to go through this again.


I'm sorry. I promise I tried to be very careful. I wanted our babies. I would have given anything not to have had to put you through this. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to tell you while you were there. But how could I not tell you? I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I let the family down. But I'm even more sorry that there are two little babies that won't get to know what its like to have you love them.

I'm sorry

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Saturdy Nov. 5th, 2011

This is absolutely the most amazing man in the world. With everything he has going on in his life, he takes the time to try to make sure that I am doing okay. I'm not, but at least he tries to make things as well as they can get for me. A year is a long time. Everyone says a year isn't that long. In the grand scheme of life, maybe a year is just a drop in the bucket. But when you are a new couple, just starting out a year is forever.

My loving husband worried before he left. I asked him what was worrying him the most. He told me he was worried that I would decide that I couldn't take a year with him being gone. That I would leave and not tell him where I went to.

With everything that he should have worrying him at this time, he is worried I can't handle his being gone. I know I have not been handling it well. But the very last thing on my mind is going anywhere without the other half of my heart. Our lives were joined from the moment that we met. From that time on he had my heart in his hands. I want nothing more than to spend every moment that I can with him for however long I have left on this earth.

Life doesn't get any better than it has been since Jon has been in my life. After many years searching for the right man that I was meant to be with, I found him at a small park in a little town. I no longer have any doubts about where my life is meant to be. I know that I am meant to be Jon's wife. I know that deep in my soul.

Being without him for this year will be hell on earth. But I will survive it, because that is what is meant to be. Jon will come home, and we will live our lives together until I take my last breath. Jon is what makes my life worth living. He knows how to make me smile when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. He knows the things he can say that melts my heart and makes me a big puddle of tears. He knows what not to say when I can't take hearing them. He also knows, that I never want to be left in the dark.

He tells me what he can without putting me at risk. The rest, well it is something I understand. There will be times that he can't tell me things. I understand that and wouldn't ask him to jeopardize his or any other soldiers lives. I won't ask him to share anything that could put his or anyone else's life on the line.

My dear Jon,

I love you so very much. I hated to see you leave, but I knew that you had to. I need for you to stay safe love. I know you will do all you can to hold to your promise. I'm sorry I was such a wreck. I guess I just needed a good cry. I promise every day you are away won't be as bad for me as the one's since you went away. I promise I will do better.

As for that question you asked me; I would never dream of being anywhere without you. I will be waiting for your return with open arms love.

Until I see you again,

Your wife,