Saturday, November 12, 2011

Saturday Nov. 12th, 2011

I feel like I am losing my mind. All I do is sit here on my bed crying all day and night. I sleep only when I am so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. All I think about is Jon being gone and my babies deaths. I wake up from sleep seeing the pictures of those little babies in my head.  I don't want to see those anymore. No matter what I try to think about, the only thing that stays in my head is my first baby and how little he/she was. And the fact that my second little baby had no heartbeat left and was nothing bigger than a large blood clot.

Those pictures just won't go away. I keep replaying all day long how I lost them and how the nurse picked up the first baby and ran inside. I can't stop crying. I don't want to talk to any one, I just want to be by myself. Every time some one talks to me I just feel like punching them out. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay. No I'm not okay, I'm heartbroken and I feel like I died inside.

I'm sick to death of everyone looking at me like I've got the plague. I know they are upset about me losing the babies. They were MY babies, no one gets the fact that I just had two babies die. Not only did they die but, they died a horrible death. They didn't deserve to be ripped out of me that way. They deserved to live, they had the right to be born. They had the right to grow up to be something special. they deserved to be loved and cared for.

I know people think they are helping me to not think about the twins. In reality though, they are making it that much harder. Those pictures in my head won't leave, they are there eating away at what is left of my sanity. The bad part is I can feel myself slipping further into this black hole that won't let me out. Truth be told, the black space lets me have one thing, silence.

I sit here in my room, thinking about the babies almost every second in one way or another. Some thoughts are about the babies and Jon. Like why Jon has to pay for me being a failure. Or how terrific Jon would have been as a daddy.

I need to know if we were having boys or girls. I need to be able to try to put names to those tiny little babies. Was the first one I lost outside the hospital Jonathan Jr or was it Haylee Dawn? Which one of my sweet babies did I lose right there as I was walking up to the hospital?

Over and over again all I see is my poor helpless babies being ripped out of me like they were some foreign thing invading a foreign country. Why did that have to happen to them? Why did my body reject those innocent babies? Why will Jon and I never be able to hold our precious bundles like we should have been able to?

Why can't I do just this one thing right? Why does it feel like I am slipping further into that black hole that I can't get out of? Why do I even care if I can get out of it? Why can't I have my babies back? Why do I have to go through all of this alone? Why can't Jon be here with me right now? Why am I being so selfish? Jon has a job to do I know that, but damn it I NEED him here. I do need him, Jon keeps me sane. Right now he is the only one that can even come close to understanding what I am going through. He lost those babies just as I did.

It's not fair that I have to face this all alone here. It's not fair that Jon is facing all of this alone overseas. None of this is fair. I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to last week. A time when my babies were safely tucked in my tummy where they belong. A time when I was laying in Jon's arms where I belong. A time when everything was right in my world.

Why do I have to go through this again? Alone. Yes I have my girls around and Jon's parents too. As much as they all want to help me through this, they can't even begin to understand. I love them I really do but, I need Jon.

3 comments:

Boo Johnson said...

Mom I love you and we try to help as much as we can I do not know how to tough I try but it seems like it just makes it worse I love you very much and I well not stop loving you I know we do need dad back I need hem back we all do you do more tough you just lost two baby's we just lost two baby brothers or even sisters I know it herts I love you mom.

Betty Johnson said...

I love you too my little Boo.

Trust me dad wishes he was here too.

Faith Rose said...

Thanks mom, your also caring and open, i get it from you :)

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