Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tuesday Nov. 8th, 2011

Today has been difficult to say the least. It started out at 6 a.m. Jon called me to see how things were. I called my doctor last night to see if he would speak to the Red Cross about bringing Jon home. Our soldiers can come home if there is an emergency in their family. I think losing twins qualifies for that emergency leave. I need Jon here right now. I have called the doctor twice today. He says that he called and talked to the Red Cross. So I guess Jon's coming home on emergency leave is now up to them in a way.

They have to do their part to notify Jon's superiors. Then they have to decide if they are going to let Jon have the leave. I don't know if any of them have ever lost a pregnancy before or not. But I have. It is the worst hell I have ever gone through.

The physical pain of losing a baby is bad enough. I would rather give birth without any pain meds than lose a baby to miscarriage. Besides the physical pain there is a whole lifetime of emotional pain you go through. I have been questioning the why's of course. Why were our babies taken? Why did I lose them? Why can't I seem to do something that is so damn easy? Why does Jon have to suffer because of my shortcomings as a woman? He doesn't deserve to be going through this.

Along with the questions about why, there is also a whole side to miscarriage that most people don't think about. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy, it is the death of the child. Or in this case the death of two innocent babies. We may not have had the chance to see them or hold them. But we most certainly had the chance to love them. From the very day that we found out that we were pregnant we loved them.

I don't understand why this happens. I don't understand how some people want children to their very soul and can't have them. While other people don't want kids and have them without a problem. While still others can have child after child without caring how many they have.

Tonight I read where the Duggars are once again pregnant. This makes child number 20 for them. It breaks my heart. Don't take that wrong I am happy they are able to have children, they certainly love them and take care of them. The stories you read in the paper or hear about on television of another parent that has killed their child, break my heart. There are so many people that would love to take those children and give them the love they deserve.

Jon is such a loving man, he loves kids. Hell he is one in a lot of ways. That is one of the many things I love about him. He is a kid at heart which makes him amazing when it comes to interacting with kids. He would have been the most wonderful dad in the world to our twins. I know that he would have loved them with everything he has. He loved them so much for the short time that they were in our lives.

I feel like I let him down. He says I didn't but I can hear the disappointment in his voice when he talks to me. I know the miscarriage didn't change how he feels about me. I know that he loves me still. But I also know that he wanted those babies more than even he admitted. I wish that I could have given him that. He has given me so much, and I couldn't do this one thing for him. I failed at that.  I will never forgive myself for taking that away from Jon. He didn't deserve to be hurt so badly. For that I am sorry.


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