Thursday, November 10, 2011

Thurs. Nov. 10th, 2011

You know the old saying "Momma said there be days like this"? I think Mom may have sugar coated it compared to this day. She never told me that I would feel like my heart was ripped from my body. She never said that while being extremely upset about the death of two babies, that I would also be livid about not having their dad home with me.

I know Jon would be here if he could be, hell we tried everything we could to get him home now. My doctor (if I can call him that) ruined Jon coming home to be with me through this. The doctor decided that my case was not an emergency case and refused to tell the Red Cross that Jon was needed at home. Since he refused to say those things, Jon won't be given an emergency leave.

We need him here. I need him here, Jon is the one thing that keeps me sane. I don't have a clue how I am going to live with the loss of our babies without Jon here with me. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now. I've always been good at messing up my life. Growing up mom always told me I was the biggest screw up. I have lived my life trying to prove that theory wrong. All I managed to do was prove it right in some aspects.

To the best of my knowledge no one on either side of my family ever lost a pregnancy let alone as many as I have. I guess that just goes to show, I am a failure at even the most simple things.

I am blessed and believe me I know how blessed I am to have the girls I have. I am proud to be their mom. They are super great kids. I'm 37 years old, in the past 10 years I have had three miscarriages. Since the birth of my last daughter in 2001 I have not used birth control in the last seven years. Yet I haven't been able to carry a pregnancy to term since she was born.

I am more than saddened by the fact that I can not for whatever reason have another baby. I would love to be able to carry a baby of Jon's to term. The reality that I will never be able to carry another baby in my arms has hit home. Why? Why can't I do something that for most women is so simple? I don't think I have failed at being a mom. The girls have matured as young ladies very nicely. They are smart, kind, funny, wonderful young women.

Everyone keeps telling me that I didn't let anyone down.They are wrong, I let myself down. I wanted those babies with every ounce of my soul. I would give anything in this world to have them growing where they belong right now. I let them down as well, they don't get the chance to live their lives now because of me. If they had a different mom their little lives would still be growing.

I wish I could have them back. Back where they belong, waiting and growing until the day they were to be born. Back in our lives so that they could be in our arms where they should be. For some reason they were taken from us. I wish I could understand why but, I don't have a clue where things went so wrong. Being a mom means everything to me, it has always been the one thing I wanted more than anything in this life. I wish that part of my life wasn't over but, it has shown me that it is.

I will always be heart broken for the loss of two  precious angels that we didn't get the chance to know. I'll always be mortified that I wasn't able to give Jon the gift of those angels. One day my heart may heal, that day won't be here for a very long time.


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