Well it's been a few days since I posted last. I haven't been in the mood to do too much lately. I thought staying busy would help. The first day or so that I tried to it did help. Now though, not so much. It seems like no matter what I do or how much, I'm still missing Jon more every day.
I have intentionally stayed away from watching the news; for good reason. Seeing that we have lost yet another troop is heart breaking. It also makes one worry even more than you usually do with having a loved one overseas. Tonight however, I read a news article where we lost three troops. The part of that besides the obvious, was that they were from Ft. Bliss. Or had at least trained there.
Ft. Bliss is one of many places that hold a special place in my heart. When I read that article I broke down. Jon being the man he is must have sensed that something was wrong; because he texted me just after I finished reading it. One of the many things I hate about him being where he is, is that my texts don't always reach him. That little Verizon dude lies.
Anyway my texts to him weren't going through so he called me. It like all his calls have to be short because it costs an arm and a leg to call from there to here. So in a two minute conversation we try to fit in as much as we can. After he hung up he texted me back. He said that I didn't sound right on the phone and he wanted to know what was wrong.
How could I answer that? I answered like always, nothing is wrong I'm fine don't worry.
Yep that was a big lie. I hate lying to him like that but he doesn't need that extra worry. What I really wish more than anything that I could tell him is that no I'm not alright. Everything is wrong, he is there not here where he would be safe and where he belongs. My heart aches from worry all the time. My brain can't shut down, it's constantly on overdrive. In the last week I have slept maybe six hours. Part of that time is because I took a pill to help me sleep.
Every day that he is gone it is getting harder and harder to put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. Guess what, it's not fine. Every day it feels like another small piece of me dies. We have a year of this to go, or more who knows when he will get to come home. How do I put on a happy face every day for another year or more? Especially when I'm not happy right this moment. That will probably be taken wrong. I'm happy with Jon yes, I love him with everything that I am.
I'm not however happy with the situation that we are going through. I know, suck it up Betty. Many couples go through this same situation day in and day out. I know that and I feel sorry for their situations too. This however is what I am dealing with however. It's no different than it is for the other couples I know. I knew what I was getting into when I came into this relationship, I knew Jon was in the military.
What I didn't know was that I was going to fall in love with him. In the beginning I thought we would spend a little time together enjoying each others company; then we would go our own ways. That was the first day or two we were seeing each other. Then as we spent more time together, I fell in love with him. I knew I couldn't walk away, he had my heart already.
Today, I could never dream of being anywhere without having Jon by my side. Yet every day now that is what we are living. He is there and I'm here at home. I'm waiting for the day he makes it home to me. That day when it gets here will be the greatest day in my life.
I've had a lot of "the best day's of my life". The birth of my four daughter's were all the "best" day's. The day I met Jon was the "best" day. The day he proposed was another "best day". The day that our heart's said "I Do" was also another "best day of my life" day.When Jon gets home it will be a "greatest day" of my life.
Until that day, I'm getting by each day only by looking forward to his return. It's not that I "can't " live without Jon. I have lived without him for many years. It's that I don't want to live without him. He makes me feel complete, he puts a smile in my heart. I don't want to live without that feeling. I don't want to live without him.
I know that for now, I have to find a way to do just that; live without him. I am by getting through it one day at a time. The day's all roll into one long day.
Jon,
I know you aren't able to read this blog right now. But I wanted to be able to talk to just you for a minute before I post this blog. I know that you are just as bad as I am when it comes to worrying. Before you start letting your mind run off into all kinds of places. I want you to know that I am okay. Or at least I will be.
Yes this deployment has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought I would be able to handle it like it was nothing. I wasn't very prepared after all for the heartache that the separation brings. It's difficult, but I will get through this.
Don't let this slump that I am going through right now worry you unnecessarily. We are strong, nothing will come between that. My heart is yours and ONLY yours. I love you with everything I have in me.
Be safe my love.
Later
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