Thursday, December 22, 2011

Thursday Dec. 22nd, 2011

As 2011 rolls to a close, I have been thinking and over-thinking what this year has meant to my life. I'm not one that usually thinks to much about a year closing and another beginning. For the most part each year just seems another year closer to my kids being grown, and my getting still older than I am. I guess you could say that I am a pessimist.

This year however, I have had so many things change. Some of which I am so extremely grateful for, others I could have done without. I'm not really one for lists either; so I won't bore anyone with a list of top ten or bottom ten. Most of you here reading this blog will already know my top and bottom of my "list".

Meeting Jon was absolutely the top of my list of amazing changes for the year. I know having Jon in my life will forever be the number one blessing every year for the rest of my life. He has given my life so many things. You never know how empty your life really is until you meet that one person that fills your life to an over flowing fountain. Life never seemed to give me a break. I learned this year from meeting Jon that it wasn't life that was short changing me, it was me. Jon has this way of making me see that life can't screw with you unless you let it.

The top of the " I could have done without this" list; is the loss of our twins. Nothing really needs to be said to explain why that made the top of the "crap" list. Having  gone through too many miscarriages, this one felt like it had done me in.

With Jon in Afghanistan, it was difficult to say the least to pull myself through that loss. Everyone tried to help me through the emotional upheaval that I experienced. I know that I am blessed with a caring family. Each and every one of them tried to be there for me. Our girls helped pull me through with the thoughts they shared on their blogs. Those blogs made me realize it was time for me to stop having a pity party, and get off my "whoa is me" attitude. After all I still had three girls that needed me to be there for them too.

Mom did her best to give words of wisdom and be there as  the shoulder that Jon couldn't be here to be. Dad did his best to lighten the mood, he has this way of making you laugh when you don't feel like it.

They all did everything they could think of to help me through the pain of loss. I thank each and every one of them for the love that they each showed to me during that hard time. For all the support that I had here at home, it was  the support of a man thousands of miles away that made dealing with the loss a bit easier to manage. Jon was such a huge help. During those first few days after the miscarriage, Jon called me every day. He called to check on how I was handling the emotional crap as well as how I was doing physically.

Jon made sure that he talked with me, he listened to all the gory details that I had to get out of my head. While I hated having those images sink into his head, somehow it seemed to help me. How? By giving him the details of that horrible day, I was no longer the only one that "seen" that hell. I felt so bad putting that into his head while he was overseas. For some reason, I needed someone  to understand why it was killing me to have lost those babies.

Jon understood. He lent me his shoulder from all those miles that were and still are separating us. He made sure that I was able to feel his arms wrap around me as he listened to each detail I told him. It was the worst hell ever.

All those miles that separate us can't take away the fact that I know without doubt that Jon and I are meant to be together. He is always willing to listen when I need to talk, he holds me when talking is something I can't do in that moment. Even from afar, I can still feel his arms around me just as I am about to loose it. I couldn't ask for more than what Jon has and still does give me.

He may be far away, but I couldn't ask for more than the love he gives me every day. I am a proud Army wife.


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